in a state of shock

i can't quite believe it's real, even though i'm looking at the positive test right here on the table next to me. in fact, it seems to have gotten darker since this time yesterday, but maybe it's the eery glow of the computer monitor doing something funky to it. sometime last night, in the car, it sort of smacked me, and i thought, well, i should say something. so i yelled, "hi, baby!" at the top of my lungs. you know, so it could hear me. since it doesn't have ears yet. it takes powerful sound waves to penetrate cell walls. i assume.

you'd think with all the physical symptoms taking over my body, it would be easy to believe, but maybe i'm in shock. even though a week ago i was doing the happy-to-have-b.o. dance, i think i had convinced myself that something had happened but it wasn't going to make it. so maybe the problem is just that i have to reverse gears again.

after i picked justin up last night, he asked me if i'd been able to stop thinking about it all day, with a grin that told me he hadn't. and he said something about the anxiety starting all over again. but at least for that moment, i didn't feel any anxiety. i feel like it's going to be okay. maybe it's because this pregnancy is the first one i haven't started with a bout of bleeding (knock on wood), but i have to say, low anxiety is nice. remind me that i felt this way when i start freaking out.

i tried hard with my first two pregnancies to avoid being heavily pregnant in the summer. i didn't even think about that factor this time, and now (if we make it that far), the third trimester will be...in the summer. i reminded justin of that last night when he complained about my active shivering and said, "i can't wait for you to be too hot again." it occurred to me this morning, though, that a sunshine-filled third trimester may make it less likely for me to be so depressed toward the end. plus, i won't have to fight with my coat because i won't need it by the time i'm huge. so, yea for that.

dude, i'm having a baby. maybe. i hope.