risks and rewards
our new friend david hansen (also the parent of a dead son) suggested to me that if it was exhausting trying to not mention johannes, maybe i should take a hint and talk about him. so i gave it a whirl, but the results were disappointing - when i make references to our son to our friends we're visiting, their facial expressions freeze. i'm starting to see a trend - hans's death has strengthened my relationships with people with whom i already had real relationships and distanced people with whom i have had only surface relationships. a mixed bag, isn't it?
this afternoon, randy took us in his saab convertible to berkeley. (my new and unintentional buzz cut came in handy - last time i rode in the convertible i got swatted to death by my hair.) i realized that riding in a convertible and feeling the wind whip through your hair was one of those experiences johannes was never going to have. i remember my first ride in a convertible as a six- or seven-year-old and what a thrill it was for me, so i grieved a little for my son and yet another experience we won't share.
we ate garlic air-baked fries at smart alec's and shopped for records at rasputin and amoeba, which shouldn't have been that taxing, but in retrospect i was on my feet for about four hours straight and did a lot of uphill walking and stair-climbing, which turned out to not be a good plan. without being graphic, i will just say that i tried to do too much this afternoon for having delivered a baby three weeks ago and need to take a day off for bedrest, according to the experts. however, we already had tickets to see the futureheads tonight, and i could not bear to miss seeing johannes's favorite band, so against advice i went anyway.
what a great show! slim's was a great venue, and i was able to stake out a spot on the end of a bench in the front left corner of the room so i could see the band clearly but technically stay off my feet. our friends jen and laine had told us what great energy the futureheads had live, but i still wasn't prepared for how explosive they were.
we discovered the futureheads while i was still pregnant, and whenever we would play their cd, hans would go crazy inside me. he was always responsive to music, but something about this band just brought a huge response from him. as soon as the band came on stage tonight, i couldn't help but remember the first time justin played the cd for me, and we just had to dance (which doesn't happen spontaneously in our living room often) and then we discovered hans dancing, too. i remember so clearly feeling complete happiness at that moment.
i thought i must be the only person ever to cry through a futureheads show, but then i found out justin cried through most of it, too. after the show, we held on to each other hard. i remember reading somewhere (long before i was pregnant) that couples who lose a child are statistically much more likely to split up eventually. i hope to god it's not true (like the one about women over 40 having a better chance of being shot by a terrorist than of getting married, or something like that). at least in our case, we seem to be closer than ever, but when the pain is unbearable i can understand the temptation to let go of the person most likely to remind me of my pain.
lately we've been talking a little about (and i've been thinking a lot about) risk and reward in relationships. if i open myself up enough to make a real connection with someone, i'm risking experiencing pain but i'm also creating an opportunity to have a deeper relationship. and i'd rather deal with the shared pain of johannes's loss than to insulate myself by letting myself drift away from justin; he is the love of my life, and making a life with him is the best thing i ever did.
happy third week birthday, hans.
this afternoon, randy took us in his saab convertible to berkeley. (my new and unintentional buzz cut came in handy - last time i rode in the convertible i got swatted to death by my hair.) i realized that riding in a convertible and feeling the wind whip through your hair was one of those experiences johannes was never going to have. i remember my first ride in a convertible as a six- or seven-year-old and what a thrill it was for me, so i grieved a little for my son and yet another experience we won't share.
we ate garlic air-baked fries at smart alec's and shopped for records at rasputin and amoeba, which shouldn't have been that taxing, but in retrospect i was on my feet for about four hours straight and did a lot of uphill walking and stair-climbing, which turned out to not be a good plan. without being graphic, i will just say that i tried to do too much this afternoon for having delivered a baby three weeks ago and need to take a day off for bedrest, according to the experts. however, we already had tickets to see the futureheads tonight, and i could not bear to miss seeing johannes's favorite band, so against advice i went anyway.
what a great show! slim's was a great venue, and i was able to stake out a spot on the end of a bench in the front left corner of the room so i could see the band clearly but technically stay off my feet. our friends jen and laine had told us what great energy the futureheads had live, but i still wasn't prepared for how explosive they were.
we discovered the futureheads while i was still pregnant, and whenever we would play their cd, hans would go crazy inside me. he was always responsive to music, but something about this band just brought a huge response from him. as soon as the band came on stage tonight, i couldn't help but remember the first time justin played the cd for me, and we just had to dance (which doesn't happen spontaneously in our living room often) and then we discovered hans dancing, too. i remember so clearly feeling complete happiness at that moment.
i thought i must be the only person ever to cry through a futureheads show, but then i found out justin cried through most of it, too. after the show, we held on to each other hard. i remember reading somewhere (long before i was pregnant) that couples who lose a child are statistically much more likely to split up eventually. i hope to god it's not true (like the one about women over 40 having a better chance of being shot by a terrorist than of getting married, or something like that). at least in our case, we seem to be closer than ever, but when the pain is unbearable i can understand the temptation to let go of the person most likely to remind me of my pain.
lately we've been talking a little about (and i've been thinking a lot about) risk and reward in relationships. if i open myself up enough to make a real connection with someone, i'm risking experiencing pain but i'm also creating an opportunity to have a deeper relationship. and i'd rather deal with the shared pain of johannes's loss than to insulate myself by letting myself drift away from justin; he is the love of my life, and making a life with him is the best thing i ever did.
happy third week birthday, hans.
posted by laura at 3:37 AM
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