talk therapy

i'm about talked out.

i talked with justin's grandma last night over skyline four-way and later over hot chocolate. i talked to justin this morning in bed. i talked to dyan over accountants (two parts tea:one part cranberry juice, over ice) at talkies, while greg and justin discussed guitar chords. i talked to kath while we played with charlie at bela dubby's this afternoon. justin and i stood on the sidewalk for an hour when we got home, talking to our neighbor ron, who was sitting on his steps to cool off. i'm riding with my mother-in-law and her husband to justin's aunt's house an hour south of here tomorrow for a barbecue while justin is at work, and i'm sure it will include much talking.

who needs a therapist?

one thing i've realized his weekend is that i feel pretty good. i think i'm over a hump, if not the hump. to continue the caravan of cliches, i've turned a corner this week. i'm just not as overwhelmingly, paralizingly sad any more. it's not that i don't miss hans or want him back. he will always be with me. but i'm moving forward and i'm living. and i'm ready to start trying to have another child. i feel as emotionally ready, as prepared for the anxiety of a subsequent pregnancy as i can possibly be.

part of that readiness is hans's gift to me. my pregnancy was such a roller coaster that it became an exercise in letting go. i thought as i rode the turbulent waves of those nine months that all those things that were happening were an opportunity to practice letting go of the things i couldn't control so i could be a better parent to hans and allow him to become an increasingly independent person as he grew.

i just didn't realize i'd have to let go of him so soon.

but because i had already had to consider his death several times during the pregnancy, i was better prepared for his stillbirth - horrible though it still was, and is. but the whole letting go exercise was also good practice for a subsequent pregnancy and the stress it will bring. i know it will be tough. but hans taught me how to ride it out.

another gift from hans is the affirmation of my gut instincts. from the moment that we found out hans was gone, i've been operating on instinct to grieve the way that i've grieved and to honor him the way that i've done it, and the fact that i feel pretty decent and am starting to feel at peace with and accepting of his death tells me that my instincts have directed me well. as a result, i feel a new confidence in my own voice. when hans died, i felt like an adult for the first time ever; being able to trust myself actually makes me an adult. i think. i'm still working that one out.