all i have to do is dream
i keep having these dreams about having twins.
so despite my resolve not to drive myself crazy, i went to betabase today and plugged in my test results from week before last. i had to guess about the big o day, because it should have been long, long before the bittersweet Last Condom Used, but if i extrapolate a bit, and compare my numbers with the medians for hcg levels and rate of doubling, the numbers fall much more closely into line with the multiples chart than the singles chart.
i'm a little freaked out, but i'm trying not to be.
i would really like to have twins. i would love to have two children grow up together. i would be thrilled for this to be my last pregnancy. i would be so relieved to not have to decide after this pregnancy whether we should try for a third child or start working on adoption or consider other options or have to make any decisions other than on what day justin can get in for a vasectomy. plus, twins would mean a slightly shorter pregnancy, which i find highly desirable.
on the other hand, twins mean greater risk. and i want less risk, not more. i feel like i can just barely deal with the risk level already reached; i'm not sure i'm mentally healthy enough to deal with more than i've got.
two weeks ago today, justin's mom called me and told me one of their clients in the psychiatry practice had told her that week that she was gifted with visions and that i was pregnant and everything was going to be all right. justin was at work at the time, so i just told her that i hoped she knew what she was talking about! when i picked justin up and told him about our conversation, he said, let's go see her, so we went to his mom's at 10:00 pm and gave her the good news.
i joked with my mother-in-law that maybe this client didn't need a psychiatrist, that people just thought she was crazy because she claimed to have visions but really she was on to something. i've been thinking today that i'd like to ask this client if she sees more than one baby. i don't really put any faith in this sort of thing normally, but nothing else i've believed over the course of my lifetime seems too viable at this point, so why not?
of course, if i'm going to put any stock into visions and dreams, then i have to also acknowledge dreams of the tadpole dying after it comes home from the hospital, and those dreams suck. i don't have any nightmares of miscarriage or stillbirth - just infant death. nice. really nice. i do not need any incentive to put stock in this variety of dream.
i feel like i have no breathing point, no point at which i can say, after i reach this milestone, i'll be able to breathe. i mean, hans died at 40 freaking weeks! and even if the tadpole lives, there are no guarantees of how long! this reality is making it difficult to be calm.
i think i need to go do yoga.
so despite my resolve not to drive myself crazy, i went to betabase today and plugged in my test results from week before last. i had to guess about the big o day, because it should have been long, long before the bittersweet Last Condom Used, but if i extrapolate a bit, and compare my numbers with the medians for hcg levels and rate of doubling, the numbers fall much more closely into line with the multiples chart than the singles chart.
i'm a little freaked out, but i'm trying not to be.
i would really like to have twins. i would love to have two children grow up together. i would be thrilled for this to be my last pregnancy. i would be so relieved to not have to decide after this pregnancy whether we should try for a third child or start working on adoption or consider other options or have to make any decisions other than on what day justin can get in for a vasectomy. plus, twins would mean a slightly shorter pregnancy, which i find highly desirable.
on the other hand, twins mean greater risk. and i want less risk, not more. i feel like i can just barely deal with the risk level already reached; i'm not sure i'm mentally healthy enough to deal with more than i've got.
two weeks ago today, justin's mom called me and told me one of their clients in the psychiatry practice had told her that week that she was gifted with visions and that i was pregnant and everything was going to be all right. justin was at work at the time, so i just told her that i hoped she knew what she was talking about! when i picked justin up and told him about our conversation, he said, let's go see her, so we went to his mom's at 10:00 pm and gave her the good news.
i joked with my mother-in-law that maybe this client didn't need a psychiatrist, that people just thought she was crazy because she claimed to have visions but really she was on to something. i've been thinking today that i'd like to ask this client if she sees more than one baby. i don't really put any faith in this sort of thing normally, but nothing else i've believed over the course of my lifetime seems too viable at this point, so why not?
of course, if i'm going to put any stock into visions and dreams, then i have to also acknowledge dreams of the tadpole dying after it comes home from the hospital, and those dreams suck. i don't have any nightmares of miscarriage or stillbirth - just infant death. nice. really nice. i do not need any incentive to put stock in this variety of dream.
i feel like i have no breathing point, no point at which i can say, after i reach this milestone, i'll be able to breathe. i mean, hans died at 40 freaking weeks! and even if the tadpole lives, there are no guarantees of how long! this reality is making it difficult to be calm.
i think i need to go do yoga.
posted by laura at 6:56 PM
8 Comments:
Oh Laura (((hugs))) what can be said?? It is going to be a bloody long pregnancy but you have plenty of support around you and hopefully we can all keep your head above the waterline until you make it.
As for worrying about what happens after the Tadpole gets home...I guess we all do that to some extent but when you know so well how things can go wrong - it is sure to make things harder. I wish it wasn't so haerd for you and Justin, I really do and I'm sorry it is:(
I hate saying "I can't imagine" as it's one of those obnoxious comments that makes me feel like the person just doesn't WANT to imagine...but I know my own issues and it IS hard for me to imagine the anxiety you must feel having to make it to the very end to get over that dreaded "hump." Will your doctor even let you go to 40 weeks? The women in my support group with really late losses have all seemed to be induced early...around 37 or 38 weeks.
my ob does not believe in scheduled, convenience inductions, for one thing. and though we're talking here about more than just convenience, he's really concerned about the baby being full term and ready to make it on its own. he's also not a fan of the increased risk for both the baby and the mother that comes with an induction. i know it's not that much more risk, but it is more risk, and he takes it seriously. so i think my mental health would really have to be imperiled for him to do an induction, and i really hope to not have mental health issues so severe as to get to that point, so it's sort of a catch-22.
of course, one of the appeals of a twin birth is earlier delivery!
Two things...
First, Sam was home for about a month when I had my first "death" dream. I can still feel how sick I felt upon waking from that awful nightmare. It's normal. Not that that will make it feel any better.
Second, take it one day at a time. Try to focus on the good stuff. I have a feeling you're like me and control is an issue. So try to think about the things you CAN control, and try to let the rest go. (I love being able to give advice from the cheap seats. See how my perspective changes when/if I'm where you are...then you can laugh and say, "See, I told you it wasn't easy.")
You have such a great attitude about your future L&D, despite all of your very natural fears and misgivings. It sounds like you're getting great prenatal care and I'm sure your dr. will do everything he can to keep you healthy and reassured (as much as is possible, anyway). That being said, I'm kind of rooting for you to have twins, just so you can deliver early!
I'd totally love to have twins for all the reasons you cited, and I think my fear of risk would be dwarfed (dwarved?) by all the pros.
That woman who had visions... I totally believe that. We use 10% of our brain, max, so what is the other 90% doing? Maybe some people can sense stuff that the rest of us are missing using the five we've got. There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Here's a little weird anecdote. In September of 2000 I was in New Orleans at a conference and my boss persuaded me to see a fortune teller. Yeah right, I thought, but she told me that I'd meet my husband in two years. I didn't think of this until I got married, that I met John September 17, 2002. And then she also looked at my hand and could tell by a certain fold in my left hand that I'd have two children.
Well, last week I'm shouting to John about this fortune teller who told me that I'd have two children, and how I've probably blown it all with my two fruitless pregnancies. I looked at my hand to show him and... there was a third line now. When did that show up? It wasn't there a few months ago when I last pondered that.
So I say go ask that woman if you're able to, and don't be afraid. She's onto something, and it's very, very good.
ps Love the Everly Brothers reference!
wow, lorem - very curious, that new line.....
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