my pants smell funny
this morning i threw up on the pants i first had on, so i went to the basement where my other decent pants were supposed to be hanging on the drying rack, but they had fallen to the floor and so weren't completely dry, plus they picked up basement floor crud. i dusted them off and dried them, but they still smell like...a litter box. and we don't have cats. or any other animals. that i know of.
i managed not to throw up on my shirt, but then i sat down to change my pants and realized my shirt is too small. if my belly expands another centimeter, you'll be able to see my underwear between shirt buttons when i sit. it hurts my vanity to outgrow a maternity top.
so that's my day.
except that's not really it. i've started having nightmares again, and daytime visions, too. my professional opinion is that it's a combination of shock over catherine's new loss and the transition into the final trimester causing the system breakdown. i keep waking up at night from the nightmares, so i don't get enough sleep. being sleep deprived causes me to be more vomiticious. the combination of sleep deprivation, post-puking-syndrome and shell-shockedness puts me off balance mentally, and i get more paranoid and anxious. the anxiety combined with the caffeine i've reintroduced to my diet (to cope with the tiredness resulting from not getting any damn sleep) are causing milo's heartrate to climb, which terrifies me - which just starts the whole fucking cycle over again.
i have got to get out of this hamster wheel.
all day, after i finally got myself dressed and to work (late), i've been convinced milo's movements have decreased. i've felt him, but it's not as strong as it was. i have a final in about an hour, too, which is not helping improve my general outlook. so i left early (i am a star employee!) and came home to listen to milo, who is fine. his heartrate is in the 140s, and even though i don't feel him as much, i certainly hear him with the doppler, practicing his breakdancing. it then occurred to me that i'm not feeling as much outward kicking because he's changed positions, which is clear based on the all-new place i've found his heartrate, so i was feeling somewhat consoled. and then i went to put on my prenatal yoga dvd, just to do the relaxation section, before i face the exam - but i can't for the life of me find it. i have absolutely no idea where it is. the only alternative i could think of was to write it all down. so there it is.
i cannot do 13 or 14 more weeks of this, that's for sure. sedation may be in my future.
i managed not to throw up on my shirt, but then i sat down to change my pants and realized my shirt is too small. if my belly expands another centimeter, you'll be able to see my underwear between shirt buttons when i sit. it hurts my vanity to outgrow a maternity top.
so that's my day.
except that's not really it. i've started having nightmares again, and daytime visions, too. my professional opinion is that it's a combination of shock over catherine's new loss and the transition into the final trimester causing the system breakdown. i keep waking up at night from the nightmares, so i don't get enough sleep. being sleep deprived causes me to be more vomiticious. the combination of sleep deprivation, post-puking-syndrome and shell-shockedness puts me off balance mentally, and i get more paranoid and anxious. the anxiety combined with the caffeine i've reintroduced to my diet (to cope with the tiredness resulting from not getting any damn sleep) are causing milo's heartrate to climb, which terrifies me - which just starts the whole fucking cycle over again.
i have got to get out of this hamster wheel.
all day, after i finally got myself dressed and to work (late), i've been convinced milo's movements have decreased. i've felt him, but it's not as strong as it was. i have a final in about an hour, too, which is not helping improve my general outlook. so i left early (i am a star employee!) and came home to listen to milo, who is fine. his heartrate is in the 140s, and even though i don't feel him as much, i certainly hear him with the doppler, practicing his breakdancing. it then occurred to me that i'm not feeling as much outward kicking because he's changed positions, which is clear based on the all-new place i've found his heartrate, so i was feeling somewhat consoled. and then i went to put on my prenatal yoga dvd, just to do the relaxation section, before i face the exam - but i can't for the life of me find it. i have absolutely no idea where it is. the only alternative i could think of was to write it all down. so there it is.
i cannot do 13 or 14 more weeks of this, that's for sure. sedation may be in my future.
posted by laura at 5:26 PM
7 Comments:
You CAN and you WILL do 13 or 14 more weeks. We're right here with you, too.
really, there is a chain of hands to drag you through this. It sucks. 4am this morning I was poking the crap out of my poor kid cos she was SLEEPING and I couldn't feel her. we *know* this is hard for you even if we haven't been there personally. we get it that there is no upper limit to the anxiety you can feel when you fear death so completely.
the thing is, when you are a mum, you just keep getting up and going even if you can only see 30 seconds in front of you. that's what you will do for milo in the next 13 or 14 weeks. because the only other choice is not to, and that's not really a choice is it?
so anyway, that's what we are here for: to push you, pull you, coax you, bribe you or drag you kicking and screaming through this time.
Hope your test went well:)
Oh, how well I know how you feel. Anxiety has set in big time for me over the past few days. I think I sleep about two hours at clip and it is not restful sleep. I actually got out the doppler today--I haven't used it in weeks because I had been feeling so positive. As if the doppler can really "fix" my fears.
Know that you are not alone--not that that particular sentiment is meant to make anything better. Perhaps we can just carry each other to August??
Thinking of you and wishing you restful, nightmare-free nights.
My pants smell funny too, except mine smell like pee. ah, pregnancy.
I'm sorry you're having increased anxiety - it's happened to me off and on. With all we've been through, how could it not? But we're all here for you, and we will get you through this. Feel better.
I hope your exam went well, that you will have nicer smelling pants for tomorrow, and that you find your yoga dvd. Most of all I hope you can find some moments of 'peace' or 'ok-ness' or something. And hopefully you can string enough moments together to get through the 13 or 14 more weeks.
One more link in the chain...
One more link here too...i hope your final went well and you are feeling a little less off-kilter. 14 weeks seems like a long time but you are two-thirds of the way there...
You're still trhowing up? I'm so sorry. Milo is crowding your tummy.
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