my valentine's sweeties

this valentine's day has been a significant upgrade from the last couple. two years ago, we went out for mexican food and then i laid on the couch, miserable, depressed, despairing that hans was never going to be born...and he was probably making his last gasps about then, as we learned a day and a half later.

last year, we were getting ready to go to new york to get away for hans's birthday. with apologies to justin, i don't even remember what we did for valentine's day. i was medicated to deal with the overwhelming anxiety over little z's prospects, and a fresh wave of grief for hans was rolling over us.

this year, it's as though all the joy we've piled up over milo was hiding an infected, oozing swamp monster of grief, and the monster has escaped. how we're going to survive hans's birthday saturday is a big unknown. we'll be in mexico saturday, away, which seems important. tonight my brother is coming in his enormous truck to carry me through the snow to do some last minute trip shopping, and i'll be getting a "2" candle for hans, and we'll arrange to have a cake saturday, but we haven't made any other plans yet.

but then. there's valentiney goodness all around me. i am married to the love of my life, who gave me the decemberists' "the crane wife" for valentine's day. and a pair of chocolate lips. because he's just that fabulous. and i have milo, little z, sunshine of my soul, a little man in red monkey shoes who's been blowing tsunami-force raspberries of love at me all day on our snow day at home together.