wallowing

this morning i sat on the side of the tub, all the better to be able to keep hacking stuff up in the toilet, of course, and i started to cry. i think it's the first time i've cried for myself. after the initial shock of johannes's death, my tears have all been for him - for the life he won't have, the things he won't experience. but this morning, all i could think, over and over, was "i want my baby back" (no, not the chili's kind).

i've studiously tried to avoid self-pity. i mean, it's ugly, isn't it? especially when i have so much. i have the best husband ever in the history of the world, i'm rich in family and friends i love and who love me, other than these wacky viral things i have my health, we have our dream house, we travel all over the world. it seems tacky to indulge in self-pity when my circumstances are better than something like 98% of the rest of the world.

also, i have known people who have lost someone or had some great tragedy and never gotten over it, who have never moved on from self-pity. and i never wanted to be one of those people. i've always thought they were sad and kind of repulsive.

but i've had to acknowledge today that the loss of johannes is my loss. he was already my son.

i will never know his love, or the feel of his chubby toddler arms around my neck, or the sound of him saying, "mama," or what he learned that day, or a million other things i would have known as his mother.

i have had a loss, a huge, life-altering one, and i need to grieve for myself - i deserve the time and space to do it.

so the question is, how do i really dig in and grieve my loss without getting stuck there?