melting away

last night on the flight from san francisco to vancouver, i found out that i was angry; i was making lists in my head of (1) things that make me angry generally, (2) my bodily malfunctions, (3) things johannes will never experience, and (4) things i never want to be told again.

and then we got to richard and candice's. and when i walked in the door i felt safe. hans is not the proverbial elephant in the room here. richard and i talked a little bit last night before we all watched eddie izzard's fantastic hbo special, and we talked a little more this morning over espresso and jasmine tea, and i just feel so relieved.

wonderful emma was asleep when we got here last night, but this morning we woke up to the sound of her talking to herself next door. i peeked into her room, and she peeked back at me through the rungs of her crib, and she lit up. i took her into our room, and justin and i had a good chat with her. it's been three months since we've seen her, and she's grown up so much and become even more wonderful, if such a thing was even possible. such good medicine.

it feels impossible to dredge up that anger in this environment. i know there's probably some more anger in my future; god knows i'm dreading the autopsy results and the possibility that johannes's death might have been prevented. but for now i can just breathe easy.