craptasticity
i'm reconsidering my decision to go off the serzone right now. i only gave up carrying around the xanax (which i hadn't taken in forever, anyway) this week, and boy am i sorry i don't have it now.
i've got haley joel osment ("i see dead people") disease. i see hans everywhere. i want it to stop because it's driving me crazy, but i don't want to let go of those images, either, because it's almost all i have of him. it's making it difficult for me to think about trying to conceive our next child, but i don't have the luxury of waiting until these things have passed. i will be 36 in three months, and i may or may not have dubious egg quality, considering that hans - my beautiful, inexplicably flawed hans - was the best egg available that month he was conceived.
i couldn't enjoy the sloan show last night - i felt too disconnected. plus the lead singer was kind of hammy.
in the midst of all my turmoil, i made a grievous bank error. i really need to draw one of those yellow "bank error in your favor" monopoly cards right now.
i'm flying to florida tomorrow to spend the weekend with my family, and i'm going to keep my nephew while the rest of them go to a wedding on saturday. i've been looking forward to it for two weeks and now i feel a little panicky at the thought of enduring the smiles and gurgles and advanced motor development of hans's cousin-twin.
did i mention that my eyes and my brain hurt? i'm having some kind of weird dissonance that causes physical pain to my head.
at least the weather has cooled off enough that i can climb in bed when i get home and pull the covers over my head without getting heat stroke.
i've got haley joel osment ("i see dead people") disease. i see hans everywhere. i want it to stop because it's driving me crazy, but i don't want to let go of those images, either, because it's almost all i have of him. it's making it difficult for me to think about trying to conceive our next child, but i don't have the luxury of waiting until these things have passed. i will be 36 in three months, and i may or may not have dubious egg quality, considering that hans - my beautiful, inexplicably flawed hans - was the best egg available that month he was conceived.
i couldn't enjoy the sloan show last night - i felt too disconnected. plus the lead singer was kind of hammy.
in the midst of all my turmoil, i made a grievous bank error. i really need to draw one of those yellow "bank error in your favor" monopoly cards right now.
i'm flying to florida tomorrow to spend the weekend with my family, and i'm going to keep my nephew while the rest of them go to a wedding on saturday. i've been looking forward to it for two weeks and now i feel a little panicky at the thought of enduring the smiles and gurgles and advanced motor development of hans's cousin-twin.
did i mention that my eyes and my brain hurt? i'm having some kind of weird dissonance that causes physical pain to my head.
at least the weather has cooled off enough that i can climb in bed when i get home and pull the covers over my head without getting heat stroke.
posted by laura at 6:13 PM
12 Comments:
lauralu - I think it's only normal to see the ghost of your child in the eyes of other children. I do it all the time with Isaac, and he was born at 21 weeks. I'm sure the image of Hans as a child is even more vivid in your mind because he was older at birth.
I hope that your visit south is a good one. Enjoy the time with your nephew. Also, thanks for the good advice about my amazing friends. You're right.
Haley joel osment ("i see dead people") disease? I'm going to have to remember that one. lol
Have a good visit with your family and don't stress about the bank thing...we all do it at one time or another (or two or three).
Thank you for putting a name to something I have done since the day Caleb died. ("i see dead people disease") It seems very fitting.
Hope you can enjoy your trip, and enjoy the time you get with your nephew. You are braver then I. Oh and I know the bank issues all too well. (((hugs)))
Try and take it easy on yourself and enjoy your trip. Oh, and for the record, I made one of those bank errors not that long ago myself. Happens to the best of us.
Okay, I'm curious... why did you feel a disconnect at the Sloan show?
I thought it was great, except they had those monitor problems during my favorite Sloan song ("Everything You've Done Wrong"), and the drummer didn't sing loud enough on his songs.
As for the hamminess, I think it's cute. However, I can't decide if the hamminess is ironic or not. Sloan came from a very indie background, but they are legends in Canada, regarded by many to be the best Canadian rock band ever. It's amazing when you think about how famous they are up there compared to how unknown they are down here.
boogie (or whatever you call yourself), it's not anything wrong with sloan. it was me that was disconnected. i don't know if you've looked around the blog, but it's about the death of my son. i was having a bad dealing-with-his-death-day. nothing could have penetrated my gloom, not even sloan.
i am aware of sloan's iconic status in canada, and i enjoy their stuff on cd, thanks to deadbabymama (a sometimes commenter on this blog), who keeps us fed with a steady diet of the best of the canadian stuff. speaking of which, sarah sleen (another canadian) is really doing it for me these days. i don't know if she fits your profile, but you should play her on your show.
I don't think the hamminess is 'ironic', atleast not in a indie rock, PBR tall boy drinking, gas station jacket, mesh cap wearing way.
Sloan seemed to be about as Canadian as a snack pack of Tim Bit's - so I'd call it, perhaps, idiosyncratic behavior, rather than irony?
Then again, the guitar player was rockin' a flying V, which impressed the hell out of this recovering ripper.
Anyhow, yeah, they have an air of legend around them, eh? I suppose that their rise may have had something to do with CanCom (Canadian Content law, which dictates that Canadian artists get 33% of airplay on Canadian radio), but nonetheless, they are a rare band who really seem keen on what they are doing.
To see a band who's been together for so long and who've developed such a following - so into their playing, well, it impresses, and inspires, me to make music again.
for the record, i did appreciate the tickets, as did justin, and we got two other friends (who paid!) to go, and they liked it.
and on second thought, sarah sleen might be a little too dramatic and not quite cutesy enough for boogiepop, but she's still worth a listen.
Should you be going off of it cold turkey? When I've gone off antidepressants, I've halved the dosage for a few weeks first.
As for the HJO disease - I've always seen dead people. Heaven forbid it's one of my own.
i probably shouldn't have gone off it cold turkey, but i was only on the first level dose anyway (it's normally stepped up periodically, which i had never done). and it's too late now. i've been off of it for more than a month. i may talk to my dr about it next week, though, at my appointment.
Yeah, I've noticed what the main point of this blog is, and it does feel weird and awkward talking about music on here because of it. I'm assuming that you don't have another blog, though, so I don't know where I could bring up stuff like Sloan.
_, we're both totally consumed by music, and it's been our greatest therapy - so please do feel free to discuss Sloan and/or any other music here as it's a constant topic.
If you are comfortable with the base content, this says alot about the person that you are - which is a good thing. It's something, that I'm finding out, not too many 'outside' people understand. So to have outsiders, looking in, to me, is a brilliant - we're just writing this, trying to figure out what normal, for us is.
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