i'm back

my weekend trip was short but sweet. j.d. is fabulous. and he is not johannes. i can't tell you how relieved i am for my mental health that i can separate them. j.d. is sweet and happy and precocious and a prolific spitterupper. i'm so glad i got to hang out with him (even if i had to do laundry twice in one afternoon). while my sister and her husband were at a wedding, my mom and i took j.d. shopping, and i taught him about the importance of shoe-shopping and how to look out for red stickers, which usually means "clearance", which is a very good thing. the boy needs to know these things. and if i don't teach him, who will?

when i got back sunday, we went to brunch with our friend randy, who was stuck here over the weekend between two weeks of being here for work. after we took justin to work, randy started tinkering with my downstairs bathrom faucet, and three trips to home depot later we have new faucets in that bathroom and at the kitchen sink and a window a/c unit for our downstairs bedroom. to thank him, i made big bowls of spaghetti and sauce with (veggie) meatballs and italian vegetables and strawberry shortcake (randy's favorite of my vegan desserts). it was the least i could do. but it meant i didn't get a nap, and i only got about four hours of sleep saturday night, and i didn't get to bed until midnight, and boy, am i dragging my tail. i should be asleep now but my clock is all messed up.

*****

i am definitely depressed. and why shouldn't i be? i could go back on the antidepressant, but i think i would just be delaying at least the darker parts of my grief. i'm hitting some black patches, but strangely it's not scary. when i was similarly depressed before, i hadn't identified the reason for it - now that was scary. but this time i know exactly what's up, and i'm up for it. i want to look my grief in the eye and stare it down. i want to lay down on the end of the runway and let the jet take off over me. i want my life back, and i'm willing to fight for it.

*****

we're talking about going to see los straightjackets tuesday night at the beachland, but i don't know. i'm pooped. it will mean another late night, and i have to get up early for a dr's appointment wednesday morning, and then wednesday night we're going to the zoo with david and toni and company. deadbabymama and hubbie are coming to see us friday (yea!!!!!!!!!!!!), which will probably involve much frolicking and little sleep, and i want to be rested up for it. we'll see. it looks like such a great show - i hate to miss it.