one foot in front of the other

this morning justin and i got egg and cheese bagels and iced chai from lucky's and sat in the car around the corner from the parkview to eat, because from there we can see the lake and all of downtown at once and it's green and it's just a hopeful vista. this american life was on the radio, and we listened to jonathan goldstein interview his dad on manliness, and another woman whose husband has a debilitating disease told about how she has kept him alive as he was before their son (now 10) could remember him. justin has always had a bit of a soft spot for father/son stories, but these two - especially the second one - did us both in. i was thankful lucky gave us big, soft absorbent napkins, the dinner kind, not the cocktail kind you get with just a drink. (if you don't get the show on your local npr station or have already missed it, it will be available on real audio sometime this week. click on this link and look for the "image makers" story and then click on the audio link. it is so worth listening to, especially if you could use a good cry. the first story, about a librarian having a lock-in featuring an indie band to attract teens, was good, too, although we missed the second half of it while we were in lucky's, ordering.)

after i took justin to work, i went to see "must love dogs", because i needed to chill out, and because despite bad reviews i find both diane lane and john cusack immensely watchable. perhaps because i had such low expectations, it wasn't bad. there were some really funny lines, even if the overall story was kind of blegh.

at one point, john cusack's character says something like, i believe when our hearts get broken, the universe allows them to grow back bigger. of course, it was said when he was trying to get it on with diane lane, but i like to think there's some truth to that statement. the time i had with hans, growing inside me, and then his death - it's given me a greater capacity for joy. i'm really grateful for that.

i had a talk with him in the car. i told him that no matter what happens, he'll always be my firstborn. my beloved. and then i cried my eyes out. i still want him back. i will always want him back.