in one piece

i'm home.

my dad's wife is quite nice, and she loved the scarf i took her. my relatives all acted as though nothing had ever happened, which was bizarre but beat the hell out of any ugly scenes. i didn't have any significant conversation after the good-to-see-yous with them, but that dynamic suited me fine.

my father's sister, my beloved aunt greta, died 7 1/2 years ago, after her final of three bouts with cancer. her 70-year-old husband fell while jogging around the local lake on friday and was hospitalized a few floors away from my dad. one of his two sons and his family were there visiting him; my cousin and his brother are the only people in my dad's family who have made any attempt to contact me in the last three years, i'm sure because they've been mostly out of the loop since their mom died. i got the chance to tell my cousin that if hans had been a girl, he would have been named greta. it meant the world to my cousin. while i don't wish my uncle bodily harm, i'm grateful that the situation to tell my cousin presented itself. it made the trip better for me.

my dad. he's strengthened some since he was first hospitalized. he's having a colonostomy on tuesday. after that surgery, his liver specialist takes over. because the cancer that spread to his liver is already stage four, the most advanced stage, they can't get rid of it, but with what they can do for him, the liver guy expects him to have two years left. my dad seems to be taking it well. i don't wish him dead, but dead seems like it might be preferable to dragging it out for two years. he may not agree. in fact, he is determined to fight it. they've also found some spots on his lungs, but there's not even a plan for those yet, apparently.

i took him a quaker hymnal i bought for him several years ago but had never given to him. he collects hymnals of other denominations and faiths and in other languages. he was so pleased with it, and apparently read the history of some of the hymns during the night when he couldn't sleep. he was pleased that i came, too.

it was tiring, but i'm glad i went. it lifted some guilt. even though i know intellectually that it has been for my own mental health and personal dignity that i have limited my contact with him the last several years, there's still that dutiful daughter ethos that dogs me and wants to punish me for not adhering to "honor thy father". it's bullshit, frankly, but there it is. and so i think, at least where my dad is concerned, i'm going to be able to sleep better now.

so that was my trip in a nutshell: uneventful. my father's seemingly imminent death postponed until further notice. jerry springer-worthy family feud averted. not very interesting blogging. and i like it that way. i suspect my dad does, too.