the day before the beta results blues
i feel like a long stretch of bad road, or whatever other cliche you can think of. i barely slept. i feel beat up, raw, bruised, stretched beyond my limits. i am so scared. i have such a bad feeling about this pregnancy. i don't know how i'm going to make it another 24.5 hours to get my next beta results. and if they come back bad, i'm going to be stuck in a bad place for the rest of the holidays. my ob leaves on vacation thursday, for a week, and it being the holidays i'm not going to be able to get a d&c until maybe next week, and even then it won't be done by someone i trust as much as my ob. merry fucking christmas.
the worst part is, what if the results are good? then what? the results were fan-fucking-tastic as this point in the last pregnancy, but it was doomed, too. a good result tomorrow is no insurance that this pregnancy is going anywhere. there's no win. as horrible as hans's death was, i was still pretty positive about having another child, but the tadpole's miscarriage really fucked with me. it made pregnancy a mine field. it taught me there is no safe place. i hate that. if little z or some successor actually makes it to fruition, i'm going to be such a basket case i won't be around to see it grow up. i'll be locked away in some rural, colonial mansion-turned-institution for wackos. i just hope they have a good art program.
i was having a dream this morning that it was tomorrow and we were in the ob's office. justin was wearing a backward baseball cap for reasons that are unclear. someone told the ob the results were in, and he asked me if i wanted to go with him to see them.
and then my alarm went off. damn.
the worst part is, what if the results are good? then what? the results were fan-fucking-tastic as this point in the last pregnancy, but it was doomed, too. a good result tomorrow is no insurance that this pregnancy is going anywhere. there's no win. as horrible as hans's death was, i was still pretty positive about having another child, but the tadpole's miscarriage really fucked with me. it made pregnancy a mine field. it taught me there is no safe place. i hate that. if little z or some successor actually makes it to fruition, i'm going to be such a basket case i won't be around to see it grow up. i'll be locked away in some rural, colonial mansion-turned-institution for wackos. i just hope they have a good art program.
i was having a dream this morning that it was tomorrow and we were in the ob's office. justin was wearing a backward baseball cap for reasons that are unclear. someone told the ob the results were in, and he asked me if i wanted to go with him to see them.
and then my alarm went off. damn.
posted by laura at 8:26 AM
5 Comments:
I think they're required by law to have a good art program these days...so no worries there.
Seriously, though, try to hang in there. You're not alone and if you need someone to holler at, give me a buzz. I'll be here to lend whatever support I can.
Laura, I KNOW how this is for you. I don't know about losing a full term baby, but I know that this is just the worst mind fuck imaginable. It's not a grief thing. It's a bit about fear, control and god knows what else. It's a unique place though.
If you can get through a successful subsequent pregnancy you've proved you have hairs on your chest (and you will probably see hairs on your palms as well).
And these early weeks have no respite. There is no way of knowing what's happening or finding out if things are ok.
It may be no consolation, but your feelings are so normal. We've all carried that feeling of doom once we've established that pattern of loss. One loss is a fluke, two is a pattern...then what?
Hang in there and just keep writing:)
Wow. That's exactly how I feel. I'm sorry we are here. Hugs. M
thinking of you.
I am hoping for really good news for you.
Post a Comment
<< Home