visualize whirled peas
my state today could best be described as numb doom. i don't recommend it.
on the one hand, i feel like six days of sunshine are something of which i can be proud, and really, it's eleven continuous days of confidence if you count back from the last ultrasound. on the other hand, i feel like a mental health failure for doubting now. i understand that the horror of having carried the tadpole around for three weeks after it was dead (and the embarrassment of not knowing it) (never mind all the bullshit from hans's death) is contributing to something akin to post-traumatic stress disorder, not to mention a lack of trust in anything that feels like pregnancy.
and all the time i spend trying to read those pregnant feelings anyway is useless. it's like trying to read tea leaves, and about as scientific. for example:
on the one hand, i feel like six days of sunshine are something of which i can be proud, and really, it's eleven continuous days of confidence if you count back from the last ultrasound. on the other hand, i feel like a mental health failure for doubting now. i understand that the horror of having carried the tadpole around for three weeks after it was dead (and the embarrassment of not knowing it) (never mind all the bullshit from hans's death) is contributing to something akin to post-traumatic stress disorder, not to mention a lack of trust in anything that feels like pregnancy.
and all the time i spend trying to read those pregnant feelings anyway is useless. it's like trying to read tea leaves, and about as scientific. for example:
- the sharp cramp from the night before last could be gas, or it could be a contraction, or it could be an intense growth spurt causing ligaments to have to expand so suddenly they protested.
- the expansion of my belly could be due to z's growth or due to the accumulation of deadly gases caused by the rotting cell clump in my uterus.
- my fun bags are retreating because this pregnancy is over, or they're not - they're just made to look more proportionate by my expanding belly.
- my gagging and perpetually intermittant nausea are caused by pregnancy hormones, or they're caused by all the phlegm still being manufactured by my lungs.
- i broke two nails today because the growth hormones that have been making them grow so strong and so quickly have run out, or i broke them because of pregnancy-induced clumsiness.
see? nothing means anything.
justin and i had a, um, spirited discussion this afternoon about my anxiety. we both have anxiety, but we are experiencing this pregnancy and the accompanying anxiety very differently. i envy justin his optimism.
but optimism is not happening for me, so i'm working on being zen tonight instead. to help it along, i got sushi (no, nothing raw - just an inari pocket and krab-with-a-k roll - and yes, justin, there's an inari pocket and a veggie roll waiting for you). if nothing else, the wasabi and ginger should help my sinuses. that would at least be something.
posted by laura at 6:54 PM
7 Comments:
Damn. If the universe would just cut us all some slack... Here's hoping the days-until-the-next-ultrasound counter clicks quickly.
i couldn't live with the idea of carrying around a dead fetus for weeks either. i felt like a dope when i lost the first one, too, walked in like everything was fine and it had been dead two weeks...
go get another ultrasound tomorrow! do whatever you have to to get through this... just because you and justin deal with the stress differently... it won't hurt him if you get another ultrasound in between, right? then by the time of the NT the doppler will have arrived and be working and you can have the peace of daily reassurance.
You know what else? Once I realised trying to be rational wasn't going to cut it, I explained to my doctor what I was feeling and why and explained what I felt I would need from him to get through my difficulties.
I never had to come up with some excuse as to why I needed an extra U/S. It was always just because they knew at the office that I thought my baby was dead and had no other means of reassurance. They were aware that it took 7 weeks to miscarry the last one, and several the time before that. I was frank in that I wanted to be able to plan a D&C at a convenient time and would prefer to know ASAP rather than wait for blood.
*My* Assvice, is be blunt about why you are feeling like you are and make no excuses for yourself. I think being able to explain any less than reasonable behaviour (and I mean that it seems like that to those who have never been there - not that it IS unreasonable) in a matter-of-fact way gets you more of the care you need.
OK, let's be zen. Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......
First of all...I have no idea why like the last 10 of your posts have not showed up when I clicked on your blog until like right now. I was starting to wonder what happened to you and now I just have no idea what's up with A)blogger or B)computer.
As for names...seems like you've decided, but what about Zelig? (It was my grandpa's Hebrew name...)
I was going to tell you that you've got to do something to deal with this anxiety, but frankly I don't know what you could do. The only thing that really helped me was the doppler, and even then I freaked out. It is just awful and sucky and it sucks that such a joyous thing is made so terrifying and grotesque and weird.
I really do think it's going to be okay this time. I just have a good feeling for you. But I know that might make you want to virtually slap me. It made me want to slap my mother every time she told me the same thing.
I'll chime in and add that I also felt like a fraud after our losses. Like I couldn't trust my body or myself at all. This last pregnancy I was convinced was not real until they kept telling me it was.
It's not easy to be positive in the face of all that you have been through and it is PTSD in so many ways.
Hang in there. Take each day one moment at a time and be kind to yourself about these feelings. It's ok to feel scared, it's pretty normal. It is also ok to feel hopeful at times. Like my therapist always says. What will change if you feel one way or the other? Not much is what I come to in the end, because unfortunately as we know these things can't be controlled.
I'm hoping for you and sending you some good thoughts and warm internet hugs.
My DH is anxious too, but like Justin, much more optimistic than me. I'm not pessimistic, just constantly worried/obsessed. I continue to remind him that he has the luxury of optimism because he is not the one carrying the baby, a fact to which he has no choice but to concede.
Just last night, he kind of pissed me off by saying that he felt bad that we weren't really having fun conversations about parenting like we had with Julian. My response was, "It's not that I don't want to have the conversations, I just don't feel that they're necessary. we're ready--we've already had the conversations, we have the crib, we have the gear, we just need the baby!"
Then he really threw me for a loop when he actually suggested aloud that we attend childbirth classes because they were so fun last time. My response, obviously, was "Are you freaking kidding me?!!" Then I tried to calmly explain that childbirth classes are for people who've never given birth, and that it would be a devastatingly horrible experience for me to sit in a room full of happy first time moms and partners, pretending that we'd never been there before. Not to mention the fact that I totally excelled at childbirth and that it was the best part of the process, even knowing Julian was going to die, so what would be the point? I think he got it, but damn! Why do I have to explain this? To be fair, he's not all hormonal and he obviously doesn't spend every waking moment thinking about this stuff like I do.
Zen it up, babe, find whatever works for zenning-out because there's a growing chance that it is going to be a long pregnancy and you'll need to have ways to talk yourself down off the ceiling. So bring on the zen!
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