in which i continue to unravel
still stewing about just which piece of my mind to give my ob (i've got two weeks until i see him next, so plenty of stewing still to be done), and absolutely boiling today over a quarterly meeting at work in which all of the reasons i need to get the hell out of finance, and in particular the division in which i work, were on parade. said boil-fest reinforced my will to work hard and get through school as quickly as possible. except that i'm fucking up school. fuck!
i walked into class tonight with my assignment in hand, the maximum number of items completed, sorted into groups with colored paper clips, in a nifty folder, ready to wow with my presentation. immediately after class, i was to begin studying for thursday's exam.
but when i walked in, only a third of the class was present, and they were all hunched over copies of the exam review. i had switched the dates. i started to have a panic attack. flushed, throbbing, pounding (oh, if only i were describing fucking instead of the realization that i was fucking up!), i pulled back on the coat i hadn't even finished taking off and ran out of class, down four flights of stairs, across the six blocks to the car. i started sobbing as soon as i shut the door. i couldn't dial justin's number correctly. finally, i reached him. he comforted me some but encouraged me to not go back to take the test while i was feeling this way. he was right, of course, but it sucks.
the thing is, as the buspar has worked itself out of my system, the fucking up has been increasing. i am struggling to keep it together. anxiety is making it difficult for me to concentrate or to finish anything. it's not that i'm so much immediately anxious about milo; well, maybe some it is. okay, i'm immediately anxious about milo 20 times a day, but those times are broken up by feeling him move, bless his little pea-sized heart. but that intermittent anxiety spills over into everything else. i'm anxious about things i've never been anxious about before. and i'm freaking out about how i'm going to get through school when i can't get through this one class that's the only one i'm taking right now.
i am home now, out of the clothes soaked with tears and in my red fuzzy robe, curled up on the couch upstairs in our bedroom - safe, in other words. the textbook and exam review are in front of me, ready to be read as soon as i compose an e-mail to my professor explaining what a freak i am and begging for a second chance to take the exam. i feel small, shitty, incompetent, an excuse-maker. i could keep my pride (and the knowledge that i am a mess without the meds) to myself and not ask to make up the test; it's 15% of my grade, so i could still pass, but i couldn't make an A in the class. i can't even read a calendar, and i'm worried about making As - clear evidence that i need to be back on meds.
so how cruel is it that when drugs - prescription or otherwise, or alcohol for that matter - are most vital, they're most prohibited? the world is upside down.
i walked into class tonight with my assignment in hand, the maximum number of items completed, sorted into groups with colored paper clips, in a nifty folder, ready to wow with my presentation. immediately after class, i was to begin studying for thursday's exam.
but when i walked in, only a third of the class was present, and they were all hunched over copies of the exam review. i had switched the dates. i started to have a panic attack. flushed, throbbing, pounding (oh, if only i were describing fucking instead of the realization that i was fucking up!), i pulled back on the coat i hadn't even finished taking off and ran out of class, down four flights of stairs, across the six blocks to the car. i started sobbing as soon as i shut the door. i couldn't dial justin's number correctly. finally, i reached him. he comforted me some but encouraged me to not go back to take the test while i was feeling this way. he was right, of course, but it sucks.
the thing is, as the buspar has worked itself out of my system, the fucking up has been increasing. i am struggling to keep it together. anxiety is making it difficult for me to concentrate or to finish anything. it's not that i'm so much immediately anxious about milo; well, maybe some it is. okay, i'm immediately anxious about milo 20 times a day, but those times are broken up by feeling him move, bless his little pea-sized heart. but that intermittent anxiety spills over into everything else. i'm anxious about things i've never been anxious about before. and i'm freaking out about how i'm going to get through school when i can't get through this one class that's the only one i'm taking right now.
i am home now, out of the clothes soaked with tears and in my red fuzzy robe, curled up on the couch upstairs in our bedroom - safe, in other words. the textbook and exam review are in front of me, ready to be read as soon as i compose an e-mail to my professor explaining what a freak i am and begging for a second chance to take the exam. i feel small, shitty, incompetent, an excuse-maker. i could keep my pride (and the knowledge that i am a mess without the meds) to myself and not ask to make up the test; it's 15% of my grade, so i could still pass, but i couldn't make an A in the class. i can't even read a calendar, and i'm worried about making As - clear evidence that i need to be back on meds.
so how cruel is it that when drugs - prescription or otherwise, or alcohol for that matter - are most vital, they're most prohibited? the world is upside down.
posted by laura at 7:36 PM
9 Comments:
((((((((HUGS)))))))) for the rotten sort of day you've had. I'm glad to hear you're cozy and comfy now.
If your prof has a heart he'll let you take the exam again - and I certainly hope he does.
For what it's worth, you don't sound like a failure to me. You sound like someone who's working extremely hard with a million and one HUGE things on her mind. A few details are bound to fall out of there every now and then. Cut yourself some slack, okay?
(((HUGS)))
I really think your prof will understand. I hope that at least getting the test straightened out will help a little with your anxiety. I'm sorry you're not feeling as good as you were... it's definitely not fair.
I'm so sorry you are feeling like this:( Whenever 'shit happened' for me, I swore I would never let said shit destroy my future because of some pride I had to maintain in front of someone I would have very little if anything to do with in the future.
Beg for the chance to retake if that A means enough to you.
Otherwise, I just hope that you can get to the end of this pregnancy in reasonable shape. ((hugs))
I am sorry -- do try to remember that there is an incredible amount on your plate right now, i mean REALLY.
Yes, you should just explain to your prof what happened. Since (i assume) you are a good student otherwise, he is probably wondering what happened to you anyway. Good luck and calm thoughts...i have no real advice. I got through my sub pg somehow, i don't really know how though, looking back.
No advice just hugs and love your way. Sorry about the crappy day, the crappy class and the mix up. These things happen though and your prof should understand. *hugs*
The professional, professorial me says contact your prof right away, explain the situation and set up a plan so that you can get through the course in a way that suits your situation.
The personal me says cut yourself some slack, woman! You've been going and going - cleaning, buying, studying, working, cooking, worrying etc. Down time is needed, put youself in a chocolate-induced coma for a day and dump some stuff from your schedule.
Oh honey. Hugs to you. I am right there with you. I would give anything for some booze right now to get me through this and I can't have it.
I hope you get a fresh start today and that it goes smoothly. You deserve it.
Yes, indeed. The world is upside down. Look at the monkey suit, Friend. It will make you happy.
Hey Laura. Thanks so much for your comments about my anxiety post the other day. I am sorry to see that you are having some of the same trouble now that you're off the buspar. I got a script for xanax and thankfully (it feels weird to say this-- it's only partially true) I'm not pregnant this month so I have been able to take it. I've needed it. :(
I hope that things get better for you. I'm right there with you...
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