travis's send-off

the cemetery is exactly the sort of place you'd want to be buried. it has an arching, wrought iron sign over the entrance, which is surrounded by old trees, with no gravestones in sight. it takes a slow, careful drive through the trees on a narrow road that curves up a hill to get to where the graves are, on sloping terraces that gradually climb to the top, where alex was already resting, waiting for travis to come keep him company. crabapples in full bloom and rhododendrons just budding surround the upper part of the cemetery. a hand-painted sign details the rules of the cemetery, which appear to be treated with a humanely relaxed attitude; azaleas and weeping willows and japanese maples and more rhododendrons engulf some of the gravestones. other blooming shrubs, more recently planted, politely grow next to other stones, biding their time until they, too, can become the dominant features of the plots they adorn.

when they arrived, catherine carried a giant bouquet of red and blue and purple balloons and steve carried travis's tiny white casket. he laid it in front of alex's stone, between bunches of spring flowers wrapped in crisp white paper already waiting there. sam and a friend played an intricate game of tag requiring a particular twisting of the ribbons on their balloons, some rule only they understood, while catherine discreetly shot pictures of them.

catherine's mom: it's easy to understand why she and catherine are close. i knew as soon as i saw her that she must be catherine's mother, and i said so, and she hugged us as though she had known us forever. she seems to me to be the best combination of kind and understanding and no-nonsense and real. she read a poem for travis she had written.

there were tags with alex's and travis's names and dates which we tied to the tails of our balloons, and then we sent them sailing. only one got caught in the trees, and it soon freed itself to chase the others. the sight of the balloons with their long trailing ribbons and fluttering tags at their ends reminded me of swimming tadpoles, which made me think of our tadpole. i silently asked travis to say hi to hans for me.

afterwards, a friendly woman who looked much like catherine approached me and introduced herself as julie. i thought she added, "her sister," which made sense to me. we hugged and she introduced her husband and we talked briefly. i thought to myself how nice it was for catherine to have such a pleasant sister.

we got in our cars and followed catherine and her family down the road to their house, a white farmhouse with crisp red trim, a white flowering tree in front - i meant to ask what it was - and a big fenced-in area for the horses. inside, catherine's mom prepared to go to the grocery store and someone requested proper beer. catherine's sister commented she forgot what it was like, living in pennsylvania, to be able to buy beer at the grocery store. "oh," i said, "you live in pennsylvania?"

"yes," the sister said. "johnstown."

"i know someone who lives in johnstown-" and then it hit me. this wasn't catherine's sister. this was sisyphus julie! that's what she was telling me at the grave site, when i thought she said she was her sister. i felt like a dork, but justin had heard the same thing, so at least i wasn't alone in my dorkiness. and no one could blame me for thinking they look like sisters, honest.

we looked at the pictures of travis the hospital had taken and i went back to the computer to see the ones catherine's father had taken. so tiny, but with big feet, like his brother alex, and perfect hands and long legs and a rosebud mouth. so hard to understand why he wasn't still pulsating and growing when he looked so perfect. it seems so absurd that catherine is in the business of justice, for pete's sake, yet something so unjust could happen to her.

justin and i both had to come back to work this afternoon and so had to say goodbye sooner than we wanted. at the door, steve and catherine and justin and i talked about the dumb things people say when a baby dies, the "better place now" and "all for a reason" things, the things that make us want to become violent. they chose to bring travis to the cemetery themselves today, and to lay him to rest without a minister, because they wanted some control over what was said. they did a good job. they made today the way they needed it to be and told convention to take a hike. it was such a beautiful day. but i hope they never have to plan another one like it.