itsy bitsy teenie weenie
milo goes for his weigh-in tomorrow, and i'm terrified, that we'll need to supplement with formula, that he'll be hospitalized, that he's somehow not thriving and as a result of my inadequacy as his food source he'll be permanently brain-damaged. these feelings are despite the constant stream of wet diapers, and the four poops a day, and feeding him on demand (and the demand is very, very high), and his increasing alertness during the day (in which he is beginning to assert an attitude), and the reassurance of my fellow bloggers and moms. he's just so tiny, and baggy, and in certain lighting, from the right angle, he looks a little gollum-like.
i find myself torn between overwhelming joy at his presence and the need to plan for how to handle his death. will there be a time when i won't need to keep checking to make sure he's still alive?
*****
i need to write about his birth, for him, and for myself, but i can't stitch together enough private minutes at one time to do it yet, and we're leaving tuesday morning for florida, so who knows when. if i had known how long it would take me to get it done, i would have made notes during the process. okay, maybe not. but i should have.
the one thing i did get done today was to add more pictures to his page. really - how fantastic is he?!?!?
i find myself torn between overwhelming joy at his presence and the need to plan for how to handle his death. will there be a time when i won't need to keep checking to make sure he's still alive?
*****
i need to write about his birth, for him, and for myself, but i can't stitch together enough private minutes at one time to do it yet, and we're leaving tuesday morning for florida, so who knows when. if i had known how long it would take me to get it done, i would have made notes during the process. okay, maybe not. but i should have.
the one thing i did get done today was to add more pictures to his page. really - how fantastic is he?!?!?
posted by laura at 12:09 AM
15 Comments:
I have found that no, there will never come a time when you won't check to make sure he's still alive. I still do it...and Sam is four. :o)
I hope the doctor visit is easy for you all. It sounds like you're doing everything just right. Try to relax a bit and enjoy each other.
One way or another, that child will be fed and just fine. If you really don't want to give him formula, just try and hold as firm as you can with the doctor and feed Milo as much as he wants...which it sounds like you're already doing. I bet he's just fine.
He looks absolutely adorable...and look at all that hair!
I agree with Catherine, you'll never find a time when you'll stop checking Milo for breathing. Aaron will be 5 in January and I still check him every night before I go to bed to make sure he's still breathing.
OMG Laura, you sound so normal to me. Like Catherine, I still worry and check on Nes and she is 3. and I constantly have anxiety about how little she is and how little she eats and how unbalanced what she 'actually' will eat is and how that's bad for a young growing brain and body... but I do think this a normal 'mum' reaction to everything. I expect to outgrow checking on her when she is, oh I don't know, 27, or something. Milo looks healthy and adorable and sweet as pie. and if he has plenty of wet diapers he's not dehydrated and if he's still pooping daily, then he's ok. If you have to supplement Milo's feeds it won't be the end of the world. You'll handle it just like you've handled everything else -brilliantly!
& wishing you all well for your Florida trip. safe travels and thinking of you.
He is completely fantastic! I don't have any mom advice, so I can just admire his cuteness...but I'm pretty sure that all that poop is a good thing :)
Have a great time in Florida!
If he is Gollum, you are giving him the preciousssss...
He's looking great - he already looks like he's filling out in all the right places, and indeed, excretion = good.
You're doing a wonderful job, and you'll continue to make the best and right decisions for him, even if that scale doesn't give you the number you want (but I bet it will).
The paranoid fear that he's going to die SUCKS!!!! I totally was not prepared for that, which is weird. You'd think I would have been, right? The fear has lessened for me over the months. Now that Gideon is very mobile it doesn't scare me quite as much (although saying that makes me feel superstitious...). I feel like he could easily turn over in his crib. But I still check on him several times when he's asleep, and always before we go to sleep. I have to admit that sometimes right before I check on him I mentally prepare myself for finding out that he has died. How nuts is that?
But do you think that's just an offshoot of pregnancy loss, or do you think that all moms do that? I kind of think that all moms have that fear, don't you think? Or maybe I'm just nuts.
Oh my God, I've been offline for the most part almost all summer, and this is such beautiful exciting wonderful news to find! milo is beautiful and i can tell already what a genius he is! i am so very happy for y'all and am sending gigantic electronic hugs!
My oldest is almost 12 and I still check her every night. I think all moms go thru this - I haven't lost a child and I'm as paranoid as the next person about something happening to my children. It's like someone flips a switch inside you when they're born and all of a sudden, you become a worrier. Or maybe that's just me.
That hat picture is just the cutest! Can't imagine the worry will ever totally go away (it's part of the Mom job description), but at least you can comfort yourself with a nice, big whiff of new baby smell whenever you need to!
I felt the exact same way as you. People always commented on how small she is for her age. My mother even walked around my living saying, "That baby is starving. I am worried about her brain development." But I kept plugging along, feeding her on demand, determined to breastfeed her successfully. Amelia's doctor was very supportive of my breastfeeding her. Breastfed babies are supposed to gain 4-7 oz. a week. She lost 8 oz. by one week, but then started gaining 4-5 oz. a week thereafter. (I brought her in for weight checks each week.) It took a long time to truly believe in myself (10 months to be exact), but Amelia is thriving and she is very, very smart. She figures stuff out on her own and mimics everything you do.
I've been to LaLeche League meetings and the local breastfeeding center and got lots of support from both lactation consultants and other moms. Since the introduction of solids, she still is at 5% which means that she has been growing all along at her genetic growth, despite her tall daddy. (If she hadn't been getting enough nutrition through breastmilk, her weight would have increased dramatically with the introduction of solids.) The doctor pointed out that just because her daddy is tall doesn't mean she will be - there are small people in the family, too. That made sense to me - why do we always think everything and everyone has to be so big? Big doesn't equal healthy. Gaining steadily equals healthy.
People tried being real supportive by saying Amelia was fine because she was healthy and meeting all her developmental goals. But it wasn't until I started believing it that it made a difference.
I don't know why I was/am so devoted to breastfeeding, but I am. Go with your instinct, do what you think is right, and try to believe in yourself. That is really the hardest thing to do.
And no, you never stop checking on them to make sure they're alright. You never stop thinking that they can die at any moment.
He is fantasticker than fantastic! And I'm sure he's healthy - don't beat yourself up over it, okay?
ps Oh, I was in my teens before my mom stopped checking on my breathing.
Just wanted to add my voice to those saying you never get over checking your children. Mine are 15 and 11 and I do check them every night before I go to bed.
My sister asked once when she could stop worrying about it. I told her, "You never stop worrying about anything. You just keep adding things to the worry list."
He is so delicious! What a gorgeous boy! He makes my ovaries hurt! Thanks for taking the time to share the pictures. You guys are doing fantastic.
He's going to be fine and he definitely looks so healthy and happy. Don't worry too much. Give yourself a break even in a little time.
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