ta-da! the surpassment of the birth weight

let me hear a big "woohoo!" for young milo, who has gained A POUND IN A WEEK!!!!! actually, since we started supplementing, when combined with an increase in my supply, we've been making him an involuntary bulimic - he's been spitting up like vesuvius because he's been fed enough for ten babies. okay, maybe not ten. more like two. or one and a half. but too much. so now that we're figuring it all out, he probably will not grow at the same absurd rate, but he'll be growing, and not spitting up so much. the world is feeling a little less wobbly.

we figured out yesterday that the problem with the computer is with the computer itself, so until we either shell out the bucks to get it majorly repaired or for a new one, our appearances on line will be limited. i'm writing super-fast from the library today, while justin takes milo z for a walk (he seems to be an outdoorsy kinda guy), and the babe and i are headed for my mom's tomorrow for a few days, but when we get back, we gotta do something. i'll still have five and a half more weeks at home, and the propsect of no access while justin is working double shifts is almost as daunting as the whole feeding fiasco of last week.

before i go, i need to note a couple of things: that milo is so amazing, so cute-beyond-measure, so completely lovely, that i am bowled over, mostly by the intensity of my feelings for him. despite all my reading, i didn't understand how hard it would be to care for him, but i also didn't understand how much i would love him, and how quickly. the other thing: my feelings about hans have re-intensified, feelings of loss, but also guilt. if he were here, let's be honest: milo almost certainly wouldn't be. the prospect of a world without milo is so horrific i can't even allow myself to imagine what it would be like. and even if i had both my boys, how could i care for milo without shortchanging hans right now? of course, hans isn't here, so it's not like i have to choose, or balance my attention between them, and as justin wisely pointed out this morning, when we lost hans, the world as we knew it changed completely; all bets were off, all plans out the window. suddenly, the world opened up for milo. i hope, someday, when he thinks about it all, he's okay with it all, and how he came to be. if he does have any bad moments with it, i hope they're washed away by the knowledge that we can't help that the situation exists - it is what it is - but that his father and i love him so completely, and that we wanted him, and want him now, more than anything else in the world.