all over but the shoutin'

i was just telling justin how i felt better than i had in three weeks, now that the antibiotic is kicking in and kicking the strep's ass. and then the phone rang.

my dad died this morning. i feel relieved for him, that he's not suffering. this last week he hasn't been able to speak, which must have been pure torture for him. i feel relieved for me, that the family drama is almost over. i just have to get through the funeral and then i'm free. and i feel weird about him not being out there. i've held him at arm's length for years, but he was still always out there. how bizarre that he won't ever talk someone's ear off again. i gave up years ago on him ever acknowledging anything crappy he did, but i suddenly find myself sad that there's no longer the possibility of a fuzzy reunion down the line. how odd. no wonder the concept of heaven is so appealing.

it's a good thing i'm not paying by the minute for phone calls, or by the mile, either. i've lost count of how many conversations i've had with my brother, and sister, and mother, and brother, and sister, etc, ad nauseum. but the hotel's booked, the car's reserved, the seats on the flight are cleared, diapers and socks and kleenex are all purchased. we're leaving wednesday morning and coming back saturday, with my brother in tow. if anyone needs to get the heck out of dodge, it's him. he's the one grieving the most of us kids, the one who was closest to my dad, and the most vulnerable to doing something regrettable in his grief - but he's also the one bearing the brunt of the family drama going on between my dad's sister and his wife. joan collins and linda evans have got nothing on us.

who knows what really happened, but my guess is that as my dad's death became more imminent, his sister started to view his wife not as an ally in his health but an obstacle to whatever my dad has being passed to his kids. nevermind that my dad and his wife have a prenuptial agreement, or that they really don't have enough to make it worthwhile to fight for it, or that none of us kids were asking for anything - my aunt has been giving my brother dire warnings about our stepmother's kids stabbing us in the back and spreading rumors about deathbed papers being signed. she even sat down with our stepmother to let her know that things my aunt had given them during the marriage - rightfully now my stepmother's - had better go to us kids. and the latest absurdity: she sent my brother to get my stepmother to gather up my dad's clothes and bring them to my aunt's, so my aunt - and not his wife - could pick his outfit. i think she's spent too long living on a horse farm and obsessing about bloodlines.

so the funeral should be interesting.

last night i went through pictures to find the ones of my dad and us kids for a video someone is making, and it was a good exercise for me, a reminder that there were happy times. so there won't be any fuzzy reunion, but going back and looking at those pictures and dwelling on what was good is maybe better anyway.