bring it on

these things i now know to be true:

1. no matter what we do, we will never get johannes back.

2. there will never be a time when we won't have lost him.

these things are unbearable to me, and nothing is right.

***

we met lulu tonight. she is pudgy and a little off-kilter and charming, and we both love her, although justin was hoping for a somewhat less lethargic dog, so we are waiting and seeing. she will have eye surgery this next week while we consider other dogs and whether we want to bring her home for a trial weekend.

my mom wrote me a heart-felt apology, which i appreciated, and wished us well with lulu, which i appreciated just as much.

***

the last couple of days, my ridiculous ear infection has gotten worse instead of better; by this morning my ear was swollen from the inside out, with red itchy welts on my ear lobe and in front of my ear, which seemed like many of my other allergic reactions. i dug up the box, which said "neomycin", in huge letters, but which i had failed to notice until now. of course, neomycin is one of the many things to which i am allergic. and i was pouring it down my ear five times a day for a whole week.

so now i am pouring the very-expensive cipro down my ear, and it seems to make my brain hurt, or it could be the lingering effects of the other stuff. who knows. if it works, it seems likely that something else will fall apart and hinder my return to health and therefore also a return to optimal conditions for conceiving. of course.