nature's failure

i heard from several people today who have had miscarriages. they all said something along the lines of, as horrible as it was for us to miscarry at two months, we can't imagine how horrible it must be for you.

to which i'm wanting to respond now, why couldn't i have miscarried back in the first trimester, when it seemed to be on the verge of happening? why did hans have to be a fighter (as my mom has pointed out a couple of times recently)? if he couldn't make it, why didn't nature follow through and do her job and take care of everything back then? miscarriages happen all of the time, for a good reason. it makes absolutely no sense for him to have made it all the way to the end and then died.

today kath sent me links to rescue dogs that she thought would be good first dogs for us. her best candidate for us was an older, kind of lame dog with failing eyesight. what does that say about us???? all i know is that i don't want a defective dog. and i don't want a defective baby.

i feel like i keep making progress, keep moving forward. but i think the great cosmic joke is that i'm moving forward on some cruel mobius strip so that the more i move forward the more i spiral back to where i've been. the last few days, all i've felt is the ugly, nasty, darkest side of my grief - the kind i haven't felt since the first minutes i knew hans was dead.

fuck.