the autopsy and the pity party
what were we thinking, scheduling my checkup at 8:00 in the morning??? i guess at the time we thought we would both be back up at work already, or at least justin would, and we couldn't have foreseen our current sleep schedule (3 am to 11 am...or so). last night was very, very bad before it started to get a little better. how we think about mourning our son's death and about planning for the future are very, very different things. we went to bed exhausted from yelling and crying, and then were wired and couldn't go to sleep; i finally dropped off sometime after 1:30 and i don't know if justin got more than an hour of sleep before the alarm went off at 6:30 this morning.
so we dragged our weary bodies and contentious attitudes and frail emotional states up to the doctor's office...only to realize that i had forgotten my return-to-work paperwork. we dashed back home to get it, couldn't find it, called my boss to get human resources' number, called my doctor's secretary to get her fax number, called human resources to get the paperwork faxed over, dashed back into the doctor's office, and then were whisked right into the exam room, having used up the usual wait time in running around, apparently.
my exam went fine, despite the weirdness of my husband sitting 12 inches away and watching me get felt up. i had blood drawn for some auto-immune tests, which will help eliminate some unlikely sources of problems should we try again. then we got into the autopsy, and it just sucked.
in addition to the things we knew about (the two-vessel chord, the cord looped loosely around his neck, the dilated kidneys), we learned that (1) his lungs were immature for his age [although previous ultrasounds had suggested his lungs were right on track], (2) he was making poop and had gotten some into his immature lungs as he made some gasping attempt to survive, and (3) his right testis was underdeveloped and mostly dead tissue. there doesn't seem to be any single, driving cause of death; he just fell apart.
in all likelihood, had he been born live, he would have had a tough row to hoe. had he been able to survive, he probably would have been pretty high maintenance and been frustrated with his limitations. this information is not really comforting to me; i was prepared for him to have some issues and would have been glad just to have him alive. but for his sake, maybe it was better this way. i don't know. who can say what his life would have been like? the only thing about his life of which i can be sure is that no one would have ever been more loved.
after we got out of the hospital, we drove to the east side and decided to try cafe limbo, a vegetarian restaurant about which we had heard great things but had never tried. justin's acorn squash casserole in phyllo cups was waaaaaaayyyyy too spicy; if i can't even taste the food because it's so hot, it's too spicy. i had spinach and ricotta ravioli in marinara sauce, which was quite good. if i were to go there again, i would try the sandwiches on their menu instead of their specials on the board. still, it was a nice, quirky little place, and i really enjoyed their salad, which came with a horseradish-y dressing. then we went to the art museum, but i couldn't concentrate on looking at anything. our wedding pictures were taken at the museum, and in the atrium and in the egyptian section, where our favorite pictures were taken, all i could think about was how happy we were then and how clueless we were as to what was to come.
what makes everything worse is that we can't seem to stop snipping at each other. understanding that we're snippy because we're sad and upset doesn't make it any less unpleasant. so we're moping around the house, drinking beer and eating corn dogs and french fries, generally feeling sorry for ourselves and specifically disagreeing on when we'd like to try to conceive a second child. for the record, we only split a beer, and we're eating veggie corn dogs and baked, organic, trans-fat-free fries, and "snack-size" portions of each; but still, it's a good menu for a pity party.
so now we have a few last hours to spend together before we head back into the mines. hopefully, we can make the best of it. we're going to start with a bike ride and see how it goes from there. wish us luck.
so we dragged our weary bodies and contentious attitudes and frail emotional states up to the doctor's office...only to realize that i had forgotten my return-to-work paperwork. we dashed back home to get it, couldn't find it, called my boss to get human resources' number, called my doctor's secretary to get her fax number, called human resources to get the paperwork faxed over, dashed back into the doctor's office, and then were whisked right into the exam room, having used up the usual wait time in running around, apparently.
my exam went fine, despite the weirdness of my husband sitting 12 inches away and watching me get felt up. i had blood drawn for some auto-immune tests, which will help eliminate some unlikely sources of problems should we try again. then we got into the autopsy, and it just sucked.
in addition to the things we knew about (the two-vessel chord, the cord looped loosely around his neck, the dilated kidneys), we learned that (1) his lungs were immature for his age [although previous ultrasounds had suggested his lungs were right on track], (2) he was making poop and had gotten some into his immature lungs as he made some gasping attempt to survive, and (3) his right testis was underdeveloped and mostly dead tissue. there doesn't seem to be any single, driving cause of death; he just fell apart.
in all likelihood, had he been born live, he would have had a tough row to hoe. had he been able to survive, he probably would have been pretty high maintenance and been frustrated with his limitations. this information is not really comforting to me; i was prepared for him to have some issues and would have been glad just to have him alive. but for his sake, maybe it was better this way. i don't know. who can say what his life would have been like? the only thing about his life of which i can be sure is that no one would have ever been more loved.
after we got out of the hospital, we drove to the east side and decided to try cafe limbo, a vegetarian restaurant about which we had heard great things but had never tried. justin's acorn squash casserole in phyllo cups was waaaaaaayyyyy too spicy; if i can't even taste the food because it's so hot, it's too spicy. i had spinach and ricotta ravioli in marinara sauce, which was quite good. if i were to go there again, i would try the sandwiches on their menu instead of their specials on the board. still, it was a nice, quirky little place, and i really enjoyed their salad, which came with a horseradish-y dressing. then we went to the art museum, but i couldn't concentrate on looking at anything. our wedding pictures were taken at the museum, and in the atrium and in the egyptian section, where our favorite pictures were taken, all i could think about was how happy we were then and how clueless we were as to what was to come.
what makes everything worse is that we can't seem to stop snipping at each other. understanding that we're snippy because we're sad and upset doesn't make it any less unpleasant. so we're moping around the house, drinking beer and eating corn dogs and french fries, generally feeling sorry for ourselves and specifically disagreeing on when we'd like to try to conceive a second child. for the record, we only split a beer, and we're eating veggie corn dogs and baked, organic, trans-fat-free fries, and "snack-size" portions of each; but still, it's a good menu for a pity party.
so now we have a few last hours to spend together before we head back into the mines. hopefully, we can make the best of it. we're going to start with a bike ride and see how it goes from there. wish us luck.
posted by laura at 5:17 PM
4 Comments:
Hope the bike ride was lovely!
The autopsy report was hard for us too, so much information and yet no real hard-and-fast answer to cling to. It sucked when we got ours, it tore open barely scabbed wounds and created whole new ones. I spent at least a week doing the "why didn't I know she was sick, I'm a terrible mother/person, if only this that and the next thing" torture dance afterwards. And then we made copies of the report for all of the midwives and doctors and filed it away; just another piece of evidence.
Keep moving, in tandem sometimes totally out of sync other times but just keep moving in whatever direction feels right at the moment.
There is no "good" autopsy, is there? The very reason you are having one kind of precludes there possibly being one.
The details, though horrible, give you knowledge you didn't have before. You are less ignorant. It's what we all want - answers - and though there is a certain degree of strength in that, it doesn't change the fact that it's all just awful.
I am so sorry. We are thinking of you. Thanks again for yesterday, that was a good time.
And yes, try the sandwiches next time - they're always good.
my mom, bless her heart, sent me this note via e-mail last night. it seems to me to be the best last word on the autopsy:
"Thanks for sharing the autopsy report. I have thought about it much of the day. And I am sure it has not been an easy day for you and Justin.
Given all the issues, I believe Hans was a real fighter. To survive as long as he did, with the physical complications, seems amazing to me. Had he lived, I think he would have had a rather tough life physically, although
I know you would have provided him with the best care and treatment that he needed. None of us knows what his life would really have been like. I do know that my heart's love for him can barely be contained. When he was born, he was so at peace and serene, and that is the way that I want to
remember Hans, a sweet bundle of love."
Hans = Sweet bundle of love with a steely determination within. Sounds good to me!
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