lists: a cop-out

today sucks. i have been bombarded by erratic emotions all day and i've had enough. the bottom line/s is/are: my son died, i want him back, i have so much going on inside that i need to write pages and pages to work it all out, but frankly, i don't feel up to the task of making sense of it all. so i am wussing out and making some random lists; it is the only tool i have to create any order at the moment.

THINGS THAT I DON'T EVER, EVER WANT TO HEAR AGAIN:
1. he was too good for this world.
2. god needed him.
3. when are you going to try again?
4. it only happens to the strong (to which i say, fuck being strong!)
5. you're worrying too much - it's nothing.

THINGS THAT MAKE ME ANGRY:
1. the absence of my son from his bassinet.
2. people who have a line of stair-step children who look neglected.
3. parents who scream at their children, especially in public.
4. fellow airline passengers who mistake me for someone who wants to hear about their ridiculous, irrational and ignorant complaints about the airline, especially people who get up to go to the bathroom during final descent and think their rights have been abused because they're asked to sit back down, as well as people who get on my flight at the last minute and expect to be able to stow their oversized bag that never should have gotten through security in the first place in an overhead bin above or in front of their seat but under no conditions anywhere behind their seat (which would apparently also be a violation of their most basic rights).
5. the complete silence from my father since the memorial service, which is typical and absolutely to be expected but still shitty.

THINGS THAT STILL GIVE ME SOME JOY:
1. being with justin
2. babies, especially my new nephew
3. driving with the sun roof open
4. the tulips that bloomed in my flower beds in the 48 hours i was out of town; they are purple, white, purple and white, and yellow.
5. girl scout cookies, and thin mints in particular.