turn out the lights

we've washed and put away all of the dishes that wouldn't or shouldn't go in the dishwasher, rinsed out the beer bottles, and scraped the cake icing off the coffee table. by our normal standards, 12:15 is a pretty early finish for a party, but it was about right for a simple dinner with a handful of friends.

everyone survived my cold pomegranate soup, supposedly an ancient ayurvedic digestive aid, after they got over their coughing fits from all of the fresh black pepper in it. i've been wanting to try this recipe from world vegetarian for a couple of years; let's just say my curiosity's been satisfied.

we ate dyan's salad and mike's baguette and my fusilli pasta with tomato and mushroom sauce and spinach walnut sauce. the latter sauce was tofu-based, much to the surprise of everyone here. i always feel a certain sense of accomplishment when i make something vegan that non-vegetarians really like and not just tolerate. we finished with a mandarin orange cake (not even remotely vegan!) for jim's 40th birthday and a conversation that went from the existence of god to bollywood films to dead baby jokes.

it was good to have our 5-month-old friend charlie in the house along with a few reliable adults. in between the more absurd threads of our conversation we talked about johannes's ashes and our plans for them, and it was comfortable, and that's a relief.

sometimes i feel like i've reached a peaceful acceptance of johannes's death but other times it still feels surreal and i have to make sure he really died. i am a Planner, and i like to know where i'm going and at what point i will experience which experiences, and so i'm a little disoriented in my journey right now. i don't know what the timetable is for my grief, and when i'll feel what feelings, and when i'll be switching back and forth between different facets of grief; it's discombobulating.