parenthood talk is everywhere

I post on a few online communities. Most of which are political in nature, but on a few, many of the regulars posters have become quite familiar with each other and conversation tends to become more personal in nature. When Johannes died, a group of folks from the Lonely Planet Thorn Tree, and the offshoot group of Talk Politics regulars (now posting on a independant branch political stew) came together and sent us flowers and a kind contribution to Hans memorial scholarship fund. They've been incredibly kind, and it's been beneficial for me to be able to post over there about everything that has happened, because many of the folks over there have been invested in our story from the begining.

There's been lot's of talk about parenthood on the boards (maybe I am just more in tune with these conversations now); or more so, whether to become a parent or not and how this might be seen as a selfish endevor (selfish in either being a parent, or not being a parent by choice, all depending on which particular side of the fence you lean). A fairly lively discussion ensued about the merits of parenting and the general nature of children. I seem to think that children are for most intents kind souls; compassionate, curious and kind in nature. It's the world that is a bastard, and children often overcome this with their good spirits.

Someone, as often occurs in such discussion, disagreed, and offhandedly mentioned that I obviously had no children, and that children are selfish and self consumed by nature and that it's a good parents that set a postive example for their children, creating happy, content, good natured children.

The 'you obviously don't have children' comment really set me off. What can I say, I am hyper sensitive to this at the moment, and she probably had no idea that what has happened, has happened, and that it's still so incredibly fresh.

I don't necessarily disagree. I do think that we are all selfconsumed and selfish, and it certainly works in a childs favor to have loving, willing and compassionate parents to set them on the right path. But this does not always happen. Children, perhaps because of their nature, often overcome less than ideal settings and less than perfect parental situations. I saw this everyday when I was teaching. Sometimes parents are just shite, and the children strive. This is what impresses me most about children.

Since we lost our son, we've noticed (in excess) just how ill-equiped many people are in dealing with parenthood. For most, no many, having children and becoming parents (there is a huge differance) is not something that they plan for, it's generally just something that happens. That's fine. Some people adapt and become brilliant and loving parents. Others don't excell, and the child suffers.

We'd planned on having our child. He was part of our lives as soon as we knew that we were having him, infact he was part of our lives even before he was conceived. Years of thought went into whether or not we'd even have a child, how we'd raise him, the common morals that we'd like to share with him, how we'd swing it to be able to be there for him, without shipping him off to have someone else raise him.

We were (are) both in almost perfect circumstance (emotionally, finacially, ect) to be having a child.

These things are important to us, and it's not a decision that we've taken lightly. I guess that this was what was most heartbreaking when Johannes died. He was our son, he was loved and cherished from the moment we knew of his existance.

I guess what I am trying to say is this; I have the utmost respect for families that choose to have children. Those families that want children for all the right reasons and are not in it for familiar or societal obligation but because they want to share their life with a child. But even more so, I have ultimate respect for those families that for a multitude of reasons, choose to not become parents. They are not selfish, they are not strange, they are families or individuals who simple choose to live their lives as they are. That is admirable.