johannes's cousin
my nephew jay was born 3 february 2005, two weeks before his cousin hans.
my sister and i both got pregnant for the first time at the same time. she called one evening last june, while justin and i were porch-sitting. justin handed the phone to me, and my sister said, are you ready to be an aunt?
she told me all the details, then i asked her, will your baby be ready to be a cousin?
our due dates flipped back and forth for eight months - at first i was due two weeks before her; by mid-january, she was due two weeks before me. neither of our radiologists could get the dates right - jay because he was so big and hans because he was so little.
we were together at thanksgiving and took our one pregnant picture together, both of us at six months. she looks like she could pop at any time; i just look like i had too much turkey. we joked that her baby would be able to sit on my baby, so my baby was going to have to be scrappy to hold his own.
we learned they would both be boys within a few days of each other, and we planned for them to be like brothers, and got choked up when we talked about how they would always have each other.
when my sister called at 1:30 in the morning on her way to the hospital to tell me her water had broken, i was so happy for her, but also more than a little jealous that she got to go first. when my nephew was born later that day, i cried because i couldn't be with her, but it was too late for me to travel.
i cried even more when i found out my brother-in-law thought that "jay" was not tough enough for his son, and my sister gave in to calling him "j.d.", which is a stupid name for a baby, if you ask me, but they didn't, so i call him "my nephew" in person and i go back to calling him "jay" behind their backs, because i cannot bring myself to call him that idiotic nickname.
i held jay for the first time when my family from florida arrived the day before the memorial service. i instantly regretted thinking of him as a big brute all those months; he's huge, but he's also sweet-tempered and cuddly and desperate to snuggle. when i went to visit my family a couple of weeks ago, he was already so animated and responsive (on top of big) that he seemed much older than he is.
at the end of the month they are dedicating him at their church (and my old church) in florida. under any other circumstances, i absolutely would be there, standing in the front of the church with my family, getting a little teary (as i always do at these ceremonies at church), and bragging to everyone about how wonderful my nephew is.
but i have decided not to go because i feel my presence will be too much of a distraction. if jay and hans had not been the same age, or if it had been a longer time since hans died, it might be different, but now is too soon to be there and not be a downer. if i went, everyone would be kind, and talk to me, and express their sympathy, but on that day, they should be devoting all of their energy to cooing at jay and congratulating my sister and brother-in-law and mother.
plus, everyone thinks it's cute when the baby being dedicated fusses, but it would just be sad for me to be bawling the whole time, which is probably what would happen.
i haven't said anything to my sister yet, but my mother pressed the issue with me today. she was upset, not so much at me as for me. i know she's incredibly excited about the day and is helping my sister cook and get her house ready for company and she's looking forward to spending the weekend with her family coming in for the event and wants me to be a part of it.
but i just don't feel like it.
my sister and i both got pregnant for the first time at the same time. she called one evening last june, while justin and i were porch-sitting. justin handed the phone to me, and my sister said, are you ready to be an aunt?
she told me all the details, then i asked her, will your baby be ready to be a cousin?
our due dates flipped back and forth for eight months - at first i was due two weeks before her; by mid-january, she was due two weeks before me. neither of our radiologists could get the dates right - jay because he was so big and hans because he was so little.
we were together at thanksgiving and took our one pregnant picture together, both of us at six months. she looks like she could pop at any time; i just look like i had too much turkey. we joked that her baby would be able to sit on my baby, so my baby was going to have to be scrappy to hold his own.
we learned they would both be boys within a few days of each other, and we planned for them to be like brothers, and got choked up when we talked about how they would always have each other.
when my sister called at 1:30 in the morning on her way to the hospital to tell me her water had broken, i was so happy for her, but also more than a little jealous that she got to go first. when my nephew was born later that day, i cried because i couldn't be with her, but it was too late for me to travel.
i cried even more when i found out my brother-in-law thought that "jay" was not tough enough for his son, and my sister gave in to calling him "j.d.", which is a stupid name for a baby, if you ask me, but they didn't, so i call him "my nephew" in person and i go back to calling him "jay" behind their backs, because i cannot bring myself to call him that idiotic nickname.
i held jay for the first time when my family from florida arrived the day before the memorial service. i instantly regretted thinking of him as a big brute all those months; he's huge, but he's also sweet-tempered and cuddly and desperate to snuggle. when i went to visit my family a couple of weeks ago, he was already so animated and responsive (on top of big) that he seemed much older than he is.
at the end of the month they are dedicating him at their church (and my old church) in florida. under any other circumstances, i absolutely would be there, standing in the front of the church with my family, getting a little teary (as i always do at these ceremonies at church), and bragging to everyone about how wonderful my nephew is.
but i have decided not to go because i feel my presence will be too much of a distraction. if jay and hans had not been the same age, or if it had been a longer time since hans died, it might be different, but now is too soon to be there and not be a downer. if i went, everyone would be kind, and talk to me, and express their sympathy, but on that day, they should be devoting all of their energy to cooing at jay and congratulating my sister and brother-in-law and mother.
plus, everyone thinks it's cute when the baby being dedicated fusses, but it would just be sad for me to be bawling the whole time, which is probably what would happen.
i haven't said anything to my sister yet, but my mother pressed the issue with me today. she was upset, not so much at me as for me. i know she's incredibly excited about the day and is helping my sister cook and get her house ready for company and she's looking forward to spending the weekend with her family coming in for the event and wants me to be a part of it.
but i just don't feel like it.
posted by laura at 10:58 PM
1 Comments:
My best friend was due to have her baby a few months after Audrey was born. Her shower was scheduled for just a few weeks after we lost Audrey. I excused myself from the shower for the same reason. My friend totally understood. Your sister will to.
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