more wisdom from the medical-industrial complex; also, there's no going back
yesterday morning i went to the doctor because i thought i was losing it with all of the things falling apart on me. it turns out i have an ear infection - who gets an ear infection after the age of, say, five? but at least it explains the loss of hearing and the ringing in my ears and the dizziness and the nausea, and it can be treated, and quickly.
the rest seems to be the result of anxiety and depression, so i let him give me a referral for a counselor. it's time to talk to a professional.
the doctor did say something funny to me: "you shouldn't put up with not being pregnant." he thought that at my age i should try to get pregnant again as soon as possible and if it didn't happen right away, i shouldn't take a wait-and-see attitude but come in right away. he was not as concerned with the ticking of my biological clock as with the increased risk of problems with my eggs, especially in light of all the little tics hans had.
when i repeated what the doctor said to justin, he was a little disturbed, but i found it encouraging, strangely. i'm not sure why, exactly, except that maybe i appreciated having yet another medical professional pulling for me to have another child. that doesn't even make sense to me, but there it is.
the most helpful thing was that we talked about the autopsy for nearly half an hour; it was cathartic to explain it to someone new and both knowledgeable and compassionate rather than just going over it in my head, perhaps because he asked lots of intelligent questions whereas i just repeat the same info to myself over and over, a la rainman.
*****
last night over drinks at great lakes, the topic "when i finally felt like an adult (if i even feel like one yet)" came up. matt said he still felt essentially 17, and without thinking about it i immediately and passionately told him good for him and to hold on to that as long as he could, which is probably a good advertisement for avoiding the complicated girl-drinks on the menu.
everyone laughed and justin teased me about being so old (i was the oldest person at the table by seven-plus years). i said i was serious. the truth is, i have felt like i was still 14 on the inside for a good 20 years. it was only in the first few hours after i delivered hans that i felt like an adult for the first time in my life.
on the one hand, it's a bit of a relief to feel like i've finally grown up. i can stop holding my breath waiting for adulthood to kick in, which i've been doing for a while. but it also sucks. for the most part, it seems like nothing will ever seem shiny again.
i do look forward to the future and have hope for and expectation of lots of good things in it. but it seems as though i won't be meeting those things with the still-childish delight that has characterized the discoveries of my life so far but rather with a little jadedness tinted with a little sadness.
frankly, i'm a little resentful of being thrust to the other side of the divide.
the rest seems to be the result of anxiety and depression, so i let him give me a referral for a counselor. it's time to talk to a professional.
the doctor did say something funny to me: "you shouldn't put up with not being pregnant." he thought that at my age i should try to get pregnant again as soon as possible and if it didn't happen right away, i shouldn't take a wait-and-see attitude but come in right away. he was not as concerned with the ticking of my biological clock as with the increased risk of problems with my eggs, especially in light of all the little tics hans had.
when i repeated what the doctor said to justin, he was a little disturbed, but i found it encouraging, strangely. i'm not sure why, exactly, except that maybe i appreciated having yet another medical professional pulling for me to have another child. that doesn't even make sense to me, but there it is.
the most helpful thing was that we talked about the autopsy for nearly half an hour; it was cathartic to explain it to someone new and both knowledgeable and compassionate rather than just going over it in my head, perhaps because he asked lots of intelligent questions whereas i just repeat the same info to myself over and over, a la rainman.
*****
last night over drinks at great lakes, the topic "when i finally felt like an adult (if i even feel like one yet)" came up. matt said he still felt essentially 17, and without thinking about it i immediately and passionately told him good for him and to hold on to that as long as he could, which is probably a good advertisement for avoiding the complicated girl-drinks on the menu.
everyone laughed and justin teased me about being so old (i was the oldest person at the table by seven-plus years). i said i was serious. the truth is, i have felt like i was still 14 on the inside for a good 20 years. it was only in the first few hours after i delivered hans that i felt like an adult for the first time in my life.
on the one hand, it's a bit of a relief to feel like i've finally grown up. i can stop holding my breath waiting for adulthood to kick in, which i've been doing for a while. but it also sucks. for the most part, it seems like nothing will ever seem shiny again.
i do look forward to the future and have hope for and expectation of lots of good things in it. but it seems as though i won't be meeting those things with the still-childish delight that has characterized the discoveries of my life so far but rather with a little jadedness tinted with a little sadness.
frankly, i'm a little resentful of being thrust to the other side of the divide.
posted by laura at 9:32 AM
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Gen X'ers at the Crossroads: On the next Montel.
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