happy mother's day 2

what a beautiful day. really. as i've written before, i think of mother's day as a day when you do something for your own mother, and i didn't want weird pity cards. but i have been blown away.

besides the beautiful card from jen and laine this week, my mother called me yesterday afternoon to let me know she had been thinking of me and wanted me to know she honored me as a mother and loved me and was hoping it wasn't too difficult for me. last night dyan e-mailed me and said:
"Greg and I want to acknowledge you this Mother's Day. We hope you are blessed on this day.... It's supposed to be sunny and warm, so hoping your day can be sunny, warm and full of springflowering. We send our best."

this morning david showed up at our door with a mother's day card for me with an incredible and supportive message from toni inside and a gift card to nighttown. we went out to the car to say hi to toni, who can barely move, and zelda, who was ecstatic about heading to the zoo. today is their newest son's due date, so here's hoping the walk around the zoo makes toni go into labor today, and that whenever he is born, this son is completely healthy.

we had invited justin's mom and stepdad for breakfast, and they brought me a beautiful fuschia plant, which the menfolk hung on the porch while the womenfolk made breakfast. i felt bad that everything wasn't ready when they got here, but we lolled in bed this morning until the last possible minute, and my in-laws are so laid back that it made no difference to them, god bless them. we had chocolate waffles with raspberry sauce and tillamook cheddar and orange wedges and passion fruit juice cocktails and my own special blend of coffee (packets from hotel rooms all over the world emptied into the coffee can and shaken, which was how i recovered when i realized i was almost out of coffee). after breakfast we got out the lawn chairs for the first time this year and sat in the back yard and soaked up the sun and talked about bricking in the little grass we have and someday having a child do wheelies on his or her tricycle in the resulting courtyard.

justin's aunt called me just after my in-laws left and took justin to work. she and her husband were never able to conceive and eventually adopted a son; when hans died, she took it very badly, and realized she hadn't fully worked out all of her grief over it, and couldn't talk to us for a couple of weeks. she wanted to wish me a happy mother's day. then another of justin's aunts called to wish me a happy mother's day, and to let me know she was still working on a filipino baby for us. (insert long sigh here.) i told her we may consider adoption at some point, but we would probably look locally first, since there seem to be so many kids in need right under our noses.

the sun is shining, everything is in bloom, my house is clean, and i am surrounded by love. my mother loved the purse we sent her for mother's day, and justin's mom loved the birdhouse candle lantern thingy we gave her. i have the most wonderful husband ever in the history of the universe. i am the mother of a son who was beautiful and sweet-tempered and determined and loved punk music. and i will be the mother of another child someday, too, hopefully in the not-too-distant future. not much else matters.

i have a long ways to go. despite a beautiful day yesterday that included bike riding and gardening and sushi-eating and beer-drinking, i was as angry as i've ever been. i cried for my son for a long time yesterday afternoon. i feel pretty certain i will cry many, many more times for him.

but i also have all kinds of blessings in my life. and as horrible as hans's death is, as a result of it i appreciate beauty more. i better appreciate the relationships in my life, and the love justin and i have. i savor each good thing more. my life is richer. i'd rather have my son back, but there is a silver lining.

here are the tulips from our beds that are on our table today as well as other things that are blooming.