two boxes
we went through hans's things tonight after our dinner of veggie potstickers (hey, it's a pretty balanced dinner if you look at the ingredients!). i've been dreading it for so long, putting it off, until it felt so heavy i couldn't bear it any more, so we got it over with tonight. it was a challenge, but it wasn't as bad as i thought, although i think it was harder for justin.
we were in agreement on almost everything as to whether it went in the "hans" box or the "another child" box, which made it easier. we have more stuff than we thought, though, so we'll buy another "another child" box tomorrow. some things that went in the "another child" box were tough calls, because they were things like books or sleepers that were bought or given specifically with hans in mind but we felt shouldn't not be used. so we decided that if we put a sweater on our second child and it felt weird, we would know to take it off and put it in hans's box.
his alpaca sweater and cap were softer than i remembered, as was the green and white blanket my mom's friend's mom knitted for him. (the sweater and cap went in hans's box, the blanket in the other one.) we didn't think to dress hans in his own clothes we had packed and ready for him at the hospital, so the nurse put him in a mint green gown and a green and white crocheted cap and a multi-colored crocheted blanket, which i had folded and sealed in a plastic bag when i finally unpacked my suitcase from the hospital the day before the memorial service. on that day, i could still smell him in his clothes, but the smell is gone now. all that's left of him is a little dried bloody spot inside his cap and some vague stains on the back of his gown. poor little guy - he was falling apart. but he was still so beautiful - so beautiful my heart can hardly contain it.
we were in agreement on almost everything as to whether it went in the "hans" box or the "another child" box, which made it easier. we have more stuff than we thought, though, so we'll buy another "another child" box tomorrow. some things that went in the "another child" box were tough calls, because they were things like books or sleepers that were bought or given specifically with hans in mind but we felt shouldn't not be used. so we decided that if we put a sweater on our second child and it felt weird, we would know to take it off and put it in hans's box.
his alpaca sweater and cap were softer than i remembered, as was the green and white blanket my mom's friend's mom knitted for him. (the sweater and cap went in hans's box, the blanket in the other one.) we didn't think to dress hans in his own clothes we had packed and ready for him at the hospital, so the nurse put him in a mint green gown and a green and white crocheted cap and a multi-colored crocheted blanket, which i had folded and sealed in a plastic bag when i finally unpacked my suitcase from the hospital the day before the memorial service. on that day, i could still smell him in his clothes, but the smell is gone now. all that's left of him is a little dried bloody spot inside his cap and some vague stains on the back of his gown. poor little guy - he was falling apart. but he was still so beautiful - so beautiful my heart can hardly contain it.
posted by laura at 10:12 PM
3 Comments:
Isn't amazing how someone that made SUCH an impact on your life leaves behind so little physical evidence? It's heart wrenching when you think about it. But then losing a child always is. I am so sorry you have to know this pain. I am glad that you were able to go through his things. It is healing in a way. I think there will be several times when you rearrange the things in those boxes, and change your mind on what should be used and what shouldn't. Evan alot of the things we said we would use for another child just hung in the closet. It does get a little easier.
lauralu -
I know it's hard to go through Hans's things. I think it's important that you reserve special things for Hans, yet still designate things for the next child. That's a hopeful sign. Thinking of you.
Holly
You're so brave. I haven't been able to do that. I never thought to have the two boxes. I really like that idea. Hugs.
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