four months
i delivered hans four months ago today. as sad as it was, it was still the sweetest day of my life. i'm lucky to have been his mother.
*****
i am greatly saddened by the response of terry schiavo's parents to her autopsy results this week. their daughter has been essentially dead for years and years and years, yet they still can't accept it. i read a quote recently from her mother, directed at michael shiavo, in which she pleaded with him to give her daughter back. i do understand that feeling. for a while after hans died, when i would be in the car by myself, i would open the sun roof and just scream for someone (god? the universe? i don't know.) to give him back.
this whole sad situation continues to be a reminder to me to keep moving through it, to not let myself get stuck in one spot.
*****
other than working on a panic-reduction method or two, my appointment with the therapist last night turned into kind of a wrap-up, a greatest-hits-survey kind of visit. we talked about how much i've grown in the last year; i would prefer that my son be healthy and alive, but i'm grateful for what his gestation and death have taught me and continue to teach me.
one of those lessons has been about letting go of what i can't control. i think that lesson is helping me move toward trying to have another child. i know it sounds crazy - all the literature says i should be absolutely freaking out - but i feel pretty calm about it. i'm doing all i can do to contribute to a healthy pregnancy. i've really already experienced the worst, haven't i? and i haven't just experienced it - i'm surviving it. and i just don't have the will to hold on to the anxiety. if anything, it's possible a second pregnancy could actually be less anxious than the first (which was far, far more anxiety-ridden than i would have liked).
i'm not deluded. i know there will be anxiety. but i feel hopeful, and capable, too. i think it's going to be okay. and if it's not, i can survive it.
*****
i am greatly saddened by the response of terry schiavo's parents to her autopsy results this week. their daughter has been essentially dead for years and years and years, yet they still can't accept it. i read a quote recently from her mother, directed at michael shiavo, in which she pleaded with him to give her daughter back. i do understand that feeling. for a while after hans died, when i would be in the car by myself, i would open the sun roof and just scream for someone (god? the universe? i don't know.) to give him back.
this whole sad situation continues to be a reminder to me to keep moving through it, to not let myself get stuck in one spot.
*****
other than working on a panic-reduction method or two, my appointment with the therapist last night turned into kind of a wrap-up, a greatest-hits-survey kind of visit. we talked about how much i've grown in the last year; i would prefer that my son be healthy and alive, but i'm grateful for what his gestation and death have taught me and continue to teach me.
one of those lessons has been about letting go of what i can't control. i think that lesson is helping me move toward trying to have another child. i know it sounds crazy - all the literature says i should be absolutely freaking out - but i feel pretty calm about it. i'm doing all i can do to contribute to a healthy pregnancy. i've really already experienced the worst, haven't i? and i haven't just experienced it - i'm surviving it. and i just don't have the will to hold on to the anxiety. if anything, it's possible a second pregnancy could actually be less anxious than the first (which was far, far more anxiety-ridden than i would have liked).
i'm not deluded. i know there will be anxiety. but i feel hopeful, and capable, too. i think it's going to be okay. and if it's not, i can survive it.
posted by laura at 5:11 PM
3 Comments:
Your strength and positive attitude amaze me. It is not easy to face your fears head-on and know, without a doubt deep in your soul, that you can beat them.
You really do sound very calm and healthy. I'm so impressed. I think that control is a huge issue for most women who have lost babies. I mean...you are so out of control of this little being inside of you. It's very scary. I would like to know how to let go and just accept what life brings, but that's damn hard to do.
vix, it's a daily fight. i don't win it every day. but i'm getting to where i win it more days than i lose it.
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