i get so emotional, baby
i feel like a baby. not because i cry all the time (more on that later), but because i need to be fed every two hours. it's the only way to keep the nausea at bay. at 2 hours 15 minutes, i start moaning. at 2 hours 30 minutes, all hell breaks loose. so i'm taking care of my current need to feed with a piece of chocolate chocolate cake. i deserve it, don't i?
no wonder newborns need to eat so often - they get used to it in utero!
*****
about that crying: i'm crazily emotional. i feel so much joy about the tadpole, and at the same time, i am so sad that hans will not be here to welcome him or her. hans should get to stay with his grandma and eat ice cream while we're in labor and delivery, and then he should get to come up to the hospital to meet his new sibling and poke him or her in the eye. it's what the older brother does.
as wonderful as having the tadpole will be, i will miss hans being there, too. it won't be the same without him.
*****
vixanne asked how i felt about people's reactions to news of the tadpole. that people seem so genuinely happy for us is great. it helps me be happy for us, too. that people are also so overwhelmingly relieved for us, and feel safer to talk about hans now - well, it's weird, sure. i don't think justin was so happy with the relief reaction from other people, but he can talk about that for himself.
for me, it was surprising; i thought that people would stop talking about hans now, so i'm pleased for him to be discussed even more; to my mind, every time someone talks about him, he lives on a little more.
the thing i learned early on is that no one knows what to say about a dead baby; some people mean well but just say dumb things because they feel like they must say something, anything, but other people in that situation just don't say anything at all. there's no easy answer to it. the death of a child is almost impossible to wrap your mind around. so while i have been angry at some genuinely idiotic things that have been said to me, i've mostly been able to cut people all the slack they need about it and just be grateful when someone is brave and smart enough to say something really meaningful to me.
so now - i'm trying to appreciate that some people were thoughtful enough to not say dumb things to me earlier, and that they're genuine enough with me now to admit their relief as well as their grief for hans. i don't think the same is true for justin, but that relief thing, even though surprising, is okay with me. it means people are genuinely invested in us; if they didn't care, they wouldn't feel anything so strong. it's a blessing that so many people do care about us; it went a long way toward making hans's death more bearable, and i'm counting on it helping us through this pregnancy.
no wonder newborns need to eat so often - they get used to it in utero!
*****
about that crying: i'm crazily emotional. i feel so much joy about the tadpole, and at the same time, i am so sad that hans will not be here to welcome him or her. hans should get to stay with his grandma and eat ice cream while we're in labor and delivery, and then he should get to come up to the hospital to meet his new sibling and poke him or her in the eye. it's what the older brother does.
as wonderful as having the tadpole will be, i will miss hans being there, too. it won't be the same without him.
*****
vixanne asked how i felt about people's reactions to news of the tadpole. that people seem so genuinely happy for us is great. it helps me be happy for us, too. that people are also so overwhelmingly relieved for us, and feel safer to talk about hans now - well, it's weird, sure. i don't think justin was so happy with the relief reaction from other people, but he can talk about that for himself.
for me, it was surprising; i thought that people would stop talking about hans now, so i'm pleased for him to be discussed even more; to my mind, every time someone talks about him, he lives on a little more.
the thing i learned early on is that no one knows what to say about a dead baby; some people mean well but just say dumb things because they feel like they must say something, anything, but other people in that situation just don't say anything at all. there's no easy answer to it. the death of a child is almost impossible to wrap your mind around. so while i have been angry at some genuinely idiotic things that have been said to me, i've mostly been able to cut people all the slack they need about it and just be grateful when someone is brave and smart enough to say something really meaningful to me.
so now - i'm trying to appreciate that some people were thoughtful enough to not say dumb things to me earlier, and that they're genuine enough with me now to admit their relief as well as their grief for hans. i don't think the same is true for justin, but that relief thing, even though surprising, is okay with me. it means people are genuinely invested in us; if they didn't care, they wouldn't feel anything so strong. it's a blessing that so many people do care about us; it went a long way toward making hans's death more bearable, and i'm counting on it helping us through this pregnancy.
posted by laura at 9:08 PM
9 Comments:
Double dare ya, girl-fucking-friend, yeah!
uh...huh? is that some musical reference i am not hip enough to get?
Do you KNOW that person?? I wonder if they can say appropriate??
It's so very sad that Hans won't be with you to welcome his little brother - at least not that you will be able to see:(
I also think the way you are reacting to people's sudden relief is really the only way you can get through this pregnancy relatively intact.
It seems by giving people the benefit of the doubt you have allowed a lot more joy to be shared than if you didn't.
Thing is, no one would blame you if you couldn't but then I don't think anyone could be blamed for anything after their baby has died and a new one is on the way. You do what you have to to get through the days - which is what we all do anyway, just with less difficulty than you have to:(
enjoy the chocolate chocolate cake, enjoy the happiness, and let the grief wash over you too...just do it all with full intensity, and allow yuorself that. i often think that if we have to experience great pain (and i know few that are blisssfully exempt from that horror),we might as well use it to experience as much joy as possible too. the two go hand in hand, its just that we don't always allow ourselves the luxury of either extreme when we need to. we absolutely need to. it is life, and we can either survive or embrace it. part of embracing it, or living life fiercely as my mom calls it, is allowing yourself full expression of the roller coaster of feelings you are experiencing instead of trying to make what is full of peaks and valleys into a straight road.
i think the worst thing anyone said to us when my brother died was someone said to my mom "how can you go on living?" second runner up was the person who said "i'm so sorry that your son is going to hell because he killed himself."
6 years later we are able to thankfully laugh at these beyond dumb awkward statements. the people did care, they were just grossly inept at fathoming the situation.
people are scared of grief...terrified beyond belief of its possible contagion, so they get overly tongue tied. you are wise to let that which does not serve and honor you fall to the wayside, including dumb awkward assenine statements. and if people are relieved, well, how nice for them. plain and simple. its lovely that they're honest enough to express this to you, but it isn't your problem. focus on yourself and that chocolate chocolate cake, hon.
I thought you were making a Bikini Kill reference in your post title. Whoops. Perhaps I was supposed to think of a different song. ^_^
oh, _, i was definitely not thinking bikini kill, and in light of your frame of reference, i am waaaay too embarrassed to admit what horrible 80s pop was going through my head when i wrote the post. as i feared, i am just that uncool.
You have such a great way of looking at things. You are absolutely right about cutting them the slack they need. Also, I think it's great the people feel a genuine happiness for you. I can't wait until we tell people and get to experience the same!
lauralu,
your 80's pop reference has been running through my head all day- i immediately thought of the same one, so i guess i'm horribly uncool too.
i guess we have to accept it, synge - we will never be hip or cool or unhip or whatever enough to be college radio DJs.
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