in which i reveal one of my adolescent scars
there is really a little tadpole inside of me. how unreal is that??? i'm thinking of the embryo now as a tadpole because we're kind of going with an aquatic theme. if it's a girl, her initials will be GIL, which is a good name for a fish (gil > gill - get it? yeah, it's corny.) and is what we will call this baby...soon. maybe after we've had the ultrasound and actually seen something there. until then, it's a tadpole to me.
*****
david wished us a "love-filled vacation". ha! that's the very thing the ob said we couldn't have, which just bites, because i really like hotels. plus, we'll be camping a few nights. in a tent. under the stars. it's just not fair. there are no other restrictions. i can ride my bike and hike all over the mountains in vermont. you would think if anything was restricted, it would be those activities. but, no, you would be wrong.
*****
i would like for the cramping to stop. it is annoying and scary. i'm trying to be positive, because there's no spotting. and other than the cramping, i feel very positive. i met kath and charlie (who is trying to get verbal!) at bela dubby's last night, and she asked me how i was, you know, doing with everything, and i was able to honestly tell her i'm doing pretty well. i do feel positive, and happy, mostly.
the part of me that is still sad is mostly sad because hans is not here for this next step. he will not know his brother or sister, and he or she will not know hans. i want to be one of those creepy people holding their missing loved one's urn in their lap for the family portrait. maybe one day we'll take a holiday picture for a card (as if we would ever get christmas cards sent - ha!) and we'll put a tiny santa hat on hans's box and hold him in the frame. i am both tremendously repelled and tremendously attracted to that idea at the same time. i am becoming creepy. tim burton's aesthetic is starting to make much more sense. ew.
i hope i don't scar the tadpole with my creepiness.
this rumination reminds me that a group of boys in my high school health class used to call me "morticia" - which is weird, because it wasn't like i was some ostracized alterna-teen; i was scarily preppy and rah-rah. i had a wardrobe of button-down shirts and sweater vests and plaid wool skirts. but i was very pale and most-likely-to-succeed focused, which could be construed as somber, i suppose. that's all i can come up with.
it used to burn me up that every time i walked into the classroom, they would all get stone-faced and cross their arms in front of them and make two fingersnaps over each shoulder. the health teacher, who told us her personal stories about dealing with crabs and herpes, laughed heartily whenever they did it, which really didn't help. now, it seems kind of funny, maybe because it finally makes sense, given that my hair is usually dyed black these days and i have a much closer relationship with death.
the fact that it is funny now, however, does not grant anyone permission to start calling me morticia.
*****
david wished us a "love-filled vacation". ha! that's the very thing the ob said we couldn't have, which just bites, because i really like hotels. plus, we'll be camping a few nights. in a tent. under the stars. it's just not fair. there are no other restrictions. i can ride my bike and hike all over the mountains in vermont. you would think if anything was restricted, it would be those activities. but, no, you would be wrong.
*****
i would like for the cramping to stop. it is annoying and scary. i'm trying to be positive, because there's no spotting. and other than the cramping, i feel very positive. i met kath and charlie (who is trying to get verbal!) at bela dubby's last night, and she asked me how i was, you know, doing with everything, and i was able to honestly tell her i'm doing pretty well. i do feel positive, and happy, mostly.
the part of me that is still sad is mostly sad because hans is not here for this next step. he will not know his brother or sister, and he or she will not know hans. i want to be one of those creepy people holding their missing loved one's urn in their lap for the family portrait. maybe one day we'll take a holiday picture for a card (as if we would ever get christmas cards sent - ha!) and we'll put a tiny santa hat on hans's box and hold him in the frame. i am both tremendously repelled and tremendously attracted to that idea at the same time. i am becoming creepy. tim burton's aesthetic is starting to make much more sense. ew.
i hope i don't scar the tadpole with my creepiness.
this rumination reminds me that a group of boys in my high school health class used to call me "morticia" - which is weird, because it wasn't like i was some ostracized alterna-teen; i was scarily preppy and rah-rah. i had a wardrobe of button-down shirts and sweater vests and plaid wool skirts. but i was very pale and most-likely-to-succeed focused, which could be construed as somber, i suppose. that's all i can come up with.
it used to burn me up that every time i walked into the classroom, they would all get stone-faced and cross their arms in front of them and make two fingersnaps over each shoulder. the health teacher, who told us her personal stories about dealing with crabs and herpes, laughed heartily whenever they did it, which really didn't help. now, it seems kind of funny, maybe because it finally makes sense, given that my hair is usually dyed black these days and i have a much closer relationship with death.
the fact that it is funny now, however, does not grant anyone permission to start calling me morticia.
posted by laura at 4:18 PM
6 Comments:
We had Evan's first pictures taken with a little angel bear, and also used the same bear for his Christmas pics to represent his brother. And of course it gives us a gage to see how much he has grown. We will probably use that same bear in some of the special occasion pics. I know it's corny, but I had to find a way to show what was missing.
Keeping my fingers crossed that the cramping goes away soon!
okay, umm...i actually think the one creepy thing in this post is that your health teacher told you her personal crabs and herpes stories...that's much creepier than an urn in santa hat.
Tadpole! Cool. We called Orson "the Fish."
Yeah - we thought about "the fish" seeing as she'd, well I guess that whichever it turns out is at the moment feminine, be GIL but then we thought about her Cuz' on the east side, Orson, so we gave her a differant biological species...
tadpoles seem frisky to me, and i'd like this child to be frisky, at least in utero. after that, i'm hoping for someone more sedate. not as sedate as hans, you know, but not spastic.
breathing and not spastic - that's my goal for this child.
Those are reasonable goals to me Laura. Breathing and not spastic. They shall be the only items on my wish list next pregnancy!
I agree with Le Synge Bleu. Your teacher was a freak and the Christmas-y urn is completely normal in comparison to a woman who thinks high schoolers should know such details. UGH.
And if you hadn't have said not to call you Morticia, I really wouldn't be wanting to right now....my mother should have had 'breathing and not spastic' on her wish list too....
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