and because last night wasn't enough, today had to blow even more (more tales not for the squeamish)

i woke up this morning pretty depleted but managed to get down a dry piece of whole wheat toast with a little cinnamon and some apple juice before heading to work. i went to the restroom at 11:30, and, of course, because i'm pregnant, i obsessively look at the toilet paper - and the paper came back with a handful of blood. the bright kind, mixed with a little good ol' cervical mucus. panic set in immediately. my boss had gone to lunch, so i told the nearest co-worker - you know, the insensitive twat one - that i was bleeding and i was leaving. i was so jittery i couldn't even shut down my computer and just said to her, "please do this" and left.

on my way to the car i called my ob's secretary and she said to go to the emergency room and she would let my ob know. then i had to call home about a million times before i finally got my sister to pick up - everyone was out working in the yard and didn't hear their cell phones or our home phone. justin jumped in the shower while i flew home - i figured if a cop stopped me, i'd look at him with the tears already running down my face and say, "look, i'm having a miscarriage," and no one in his right mind would stop me and right me a ticket. i pulled up front, where my mom and sister were waiting, and told them what was going on, and ran inside to check the status of things: no new bleeding. so i called my ob's office again, and she said to still come in. so justin came running down and off we flew to the hospital.

the valet was taking a million years, so i jumped out of the car and ran in and got checked in and they took me into triage immediately, which i thought was pretty impressive. justin came in as we finished up, and i went to registration and got everything taken care of - and then we sat in the waiting area for two hours. at the one hour point, justin went and asked the clerk how we were doing, and she said i was next up. after another hour, i went up, and she said i should be next, because i was the only one still waiting. i ran my hands through my hair, and said, "yeah, i know! i can see i'm the only person waiting!" and then i started to cry again, which got justin up and assertive. he tried to explain to the clerk that we've already lost one baby at this hospital, and she hit the police radio button on her shoulder and said, "i need backup." the next thing i know this officer is running toward justin, which just made me howl even more. it was like a scene from jerry springer, which coincidentally was playing in the waiting area at the time.

after justin convinced the cop he wasn't a threat (to a woman behind BULLETPROOF GLASS), he went outside and called my ob's secretary and said, look we need help. we need someone to advocate for us. then - of course - they took me back to a room, and i got out of my underwear for only the first time of the day, but they didn't know when someone would see me. justin managed to talk his way back to me, and we held each other on the exam table, and then like an angel, my ob's secretary appeared. she had tracked down my ob and he had gotten radiology to take me for an ultrasound as a favor (because the fetal ultrasound clinic was overbooked), and she told me to get dressed and get out of the emergency room. i usually complain about her, because her tone on the phone is kind of crappy, but i really loved her today.

i got dressed and we went to radiology and i chugged water along the way. they took me almost immediately, but they wouldn't let justin in the room with me, because the technician was uncomfortable with anyone looking over her shoulder or asking questions while she was working. we are the veterans of many ultrasounds, and we're pretty sophisticated customers at this point, so our ultrasounds are pretty interactive; but in radiology they're used to people who never get ultrasounds getting their gall bladder looked at, and i guess that's a whole other ball of wax than what we're used to. the tech didn't turn the screen to where i could see it, but after she zoomed in, i could see that there was something in my uterus. she took her pictures for about 15 minutes and then said she was going to go show the pics to the dr. i got re-dressed for the second time this afternoon, and justin was allowed to come in, and he held my hand, and i started to feel like maybe things were going to be okay.

the tech came back and said, "okay, you can go on up to see dr f (my ob) now." that was it. no report to carry. no information offered. and i know she's a tech and not a doctor and there are limits to what she can say, but i tried my luck and asked her if she could tell me anything. she smiled and looked me in the eye (always good signs) and said, "yep, it's in there." i asked her if there was a heartbeat, and she said yes. huge, huge relief. i almost cried all over again.

and then i went to the restroom and found some fresh pink discharge. doh!

we went up to the ob's office, and were reminded of why it's good that i schedule all my appts for first thing in the morning. the fact that he is so good about taking all the time a patient needs means he gets more and more backed up as the day goes on, which was certainly true at the end of this afternoon. but after an hour we got to see him, and told him what had happened, and he called down to radiology and got the good news: age-appropriate growth, good heartbeat, no placental bleeding. of course, the bad news is that i had to shed my underwear for the third time in as many hours so he could do a pelvic exam. but even more good news is that my cervix was completely closed. so no one knows why i bled, but i should be happy because they don't find anything wrong to cause it. not a thrilling answer, but it could be worse. and if it happens again, my ob said to just call him and he'll find a way to see me and to not worry about going back to the emergency room, so yea for that.

after he left, i asked justin for a tissue to wipe up (and might i add that when justin leaves a mess there, he is courteous enough to bring me tissues, which is more than my ob does for me when he leaves a mess), and when i wiped up, there was a small, gooey speck, and all of the sudden i said aloud the first thing that occurred to me: "ew! i hope that's not the tadpole's eyeball!"

look, i already warned you above that we are not very classy.

one really nice thing that happened today is that the aide who took my vitals asked if this was my first baby, and i told her it was my second pregnancy but my first child was stillborn. she looked me in the eye (again! twice in one day!) and said, "oh, honey! i'm so sorry!" what a beautiful, perfect response. no freeze-up. no avoiding eye contact. just sincere acknowledgement before moving on to do her job. if everyone followed that model, the world would be a better place.

we came home and told all of our stories to my family, and then my mom took us out for dinner, for which i was MORE than ready. we went to a little family-owned italian restaurant in an old house in our neighborhood, a place we only recently discovered when driving by, and it was perfect. i ate garlic bread and salad and spaghetti with mushrooms in blush sauce, and i am a better person for it.

so the tadpole keeps ticking, but we are exhausted. we're about to turn off the lights, and we're not turning on any alarm clocks, and when we get good and ready, we will get up tomorrow, and make waffles, and maybe go to the zoo, and if we do, we will look for the frogs, and tell them the tadpole says hi.