good night, sweet tadpole

we have lost the tadpole. there is no heartbeat, no blood circulating, no growth. there is my oddly-shapen, half-deflated uterus and what they initially feared was a huge fibroid but turned out to be beginning contractions. the genetic perinatologist believes it is most likely a trisomy problem due to my age. a biopsy will be done, although there may be no answers. we don't know how long it's been dead; if it's been awhile, there may not be enough chromosomal matter left to tell anything.

i'm having a d&c monday; i'm waiting to hear from the surgical coordinator for the time. meanwhile, i have been listening to "her majesty" from the decemberists and cleaning house, for the inevitable guests we will have, and already have - matt and sarah came over to help justin finish tearing the carpet of out of the carriage house and start laying the new floor. justin feels like he really needs to get the whole thing done this weekend; i think he would like for one thing to be completely done. justin's mom is coming over when she leaves work to help, too, and kath and mike and the ever-bigger charlie are bringing over pizza and beer at 7:00.

my mom offered to fly up. i don't know, though. i'm going to think about it today. i would rather go away somewhere, i think. plus my mom wanted to tell me how my nephew's gained two pounds since he was here and gotten his second tooth. i love that boy, but, god help me, it was like razors scraping against my brain to hear about it today.

a memorial service doesn't seem right this time, but i would like to do something, privately, to at least formalize the tadpole's departure. justin suggested we go to japan in january for a water baby ceremony. we'll see. we are going to make a tadpole box, with the one ultrasound picture we have, and the baby hat from cbgb's that deadbabymama got us, and the frog halloweeen costume i bought a few weeks ago in a spurt of hope. i think the frog clock we got in vermont will be a part of the next child's room, like hans's quilted jungle calendar with the days and months and seasons in french that we bought for him in belgium last year.

i don't know what to think right now. i've gotten a little teary, but mostly the pragmatic side of me has kicked in, asking the questions about my options and risks, making phone calls and plans for monday, getting ready to receive the people who love us and want to be with us. i think there will be more tears later, but it's more than i can manage right now. i'm going to talk to my ob on monday about a little short-term pharmaceutical help again. he was cool about it after hans, after he understood my history with depression and that i wanted an anti-depressant and not valium (with apologies to anyone reading this who has been helped by valium - it's only that it's not what i needed at that point); i think he'll work with me again.

i imagine my position will change 100 times, but as of this moment, what i want is to try again, as soon as possible, and if we have a healthy pregnancy and bring home a child, i will be ready to stop. justin mentioned waiting until after hans's birthday, in february, to try again; i know that a few days ago i was complaining that it was too soon to be pregnant again, but given the likely cause of this miscarriage, i feel even more desperate to try sooner rather than later. and after hans, who was supposed to be an only child, i wanted two more. but justin is already concerned about the effect of pregnancy on my health, and i am feeling less like taking more chances than necessary; i think i could live with being the mother of hans and the tadpole and one child we actually get to raise. but we'll see.

that's about it for now. in case anyone is wondering, i got six groovy pairs of knee socks last night, a picture of which i would post here if (a) i knew where the camera was and (b) i had a fresh battery for it. i actually got up this morning and wore a skirt and my groovy new socks and makeup (for maybe the 4th time since hans died) - i was so determined for this to be a festive day. there will be an impromptu party here tonight, but not the one i wanted.

p.s. to pengo and deadbabymama - we tried to call both of you but couldn't get through and didn't want to leave voicemails. forgive us for letting you know this way.