the state of things today

i had to put justin's shoes on for him and then help him stand up. later, i carried the heavy stuff in from the car so he wouldn't strain himself. it gave me a bad case of reverse deja vu - a year ago, it was exactly the same with us, only the roles were reversed. except that justin is not pregnant but instead threw out his back making beer - with four other men, any of whom could have done the heavy lifting, but instead justin with his bad back did it. that's perfectly logical, right?

justin likes to tell me he has the body of a god, and then admits that the god to which he refers is buddha. he's pretty fit except for a lovely pot belly which i find cuddly but which his doctor advised him this week may be contributing to his back problems. of course, that statement made me think of women with humongous boobs that give them back trouble, so i tried to console him by pointing out that at least it was his stomach and not his man-rack that she cited. i don't think it consoled him much, but then i've been on a roll for saying less than helpful things to him of late.

this morning, for example, we were immersed in, ahem, intimacy, when i suddenly remembered what i recently learned and had been meaning to tell him, but every time i had thought about it, he wasn't around. this being the first time i thought of it when i was in his presence, i proceeded to tell him about the real-life chef boyardee's ties to cleveland. it made the moment somewhat less satisfying than a can of spaghetti-o's for him, needless to say, but at least we've been laughing about it all day.

one of the things we accomplished today was buying new pillows. we are the proud new owners of two firms and two extra-firms. when we were changing the sheets last saturday, the overhead light was on and i saw how nasty our pillows had become. and then i realized it was because in the last six months there's been no shortage of crying done on those pillows. it made me feel less nasty but also more deserving of new pillows, and not just any pillows - expensive ones!

i swivel constantly between hopefulness and certainty that this pregnancy is over. it usually depends on whether i've got any nausea at the moment, so that when i feel worst i'm happiest. i'm trying to lay low until next friday, when i have my next ultrasound and checkup. if anything's gone wrong, it's not like knowing any sooner will change anything or save the tadpole. so i'm trying to concentrate on hope. over breakfast at the juniper grille this morning, i wondered aloud whether the tadpole will want to sit at a booth or a table when the three of us go there; if i were putting money down, i'd bet on the booth.