sunday afternoon blues
i cannot stop thinking about hans today, and missing him. he should be here now. the only hand- and footprints of his that should be on my wall are the ones he's put there himself. i've had a very soggy, cry-y day.
and i'm still kind of off of talking to the tadpole. i don't trust it to stick around, i think. that's not true. what i don't trust is myself. i don't trust my judgment to know when things are okay or not with the tadpole. i don't have a good track record, you know.
i need a cookie. if only i could keep it down.
*****
i just saw something advertised on tv called "yoga booty ballet", to which i say, wha?????
and i'm still kind of off of talking to the tadpole. i don't trust it to stick around, i think. that's not true. what i don't trust is myself. i don't trust my judgment to know when things are okay or not with the tadpole. i don't have a good track record, you know.
i need a cookie. if only i could keep it down.
*****
i just saw something advertised on tv called "yoga booty ballet", to which i say, wha?????
posted by laura at 5:55 PM
6 Comments:
(((((hugs))))) Of course you are right about Hans and all his little hand and footprints everywhere:(
Even before experiencing loss I had a ridiculous fear of removing just the marks you talk about for fear of something bad happening and having no reminders and no one to put them back.
So I kind of get it. Sorry:(
As I was so often told when I lost Alex...you may or may not know something is wrong. You can't take the sole responsibility for the tadpole's safety. I know it runs counter to everything you think and feel since you are his/her mother, but you have to let go of the constant worry.
Your pregnancy is going to happen how it's going to happen. I know that's not especially comforting (believe me, I know)...but if you spend all your time mistrusting your own judgment, then you're going to miss all the good stuff. You deserve to experience and appreciate the good stuff too.
I wish Hans were there with you too. There's nothing wrong with cry-y days. I hope you're feeling better today.
I'm so sorry you're missing Hans so much today. The tadpole is going to stick around or not almost regardless of what you do, though I know that's of very little comfort to you. I hope you find a way to cope day by day and that you've got your healthy new baby in your arms before you know it.
(And yoga, booty, and ballet are not three words I could imagine in the same sentence, let alone in one phrase. It's a very strange world we live in...)
I'm sorry you're having a down day. The hormones don't help. ((hugs))
adding a few internet hugs to the fray.
hope today was a better day.
Thanks!! I think Ill return in the near future
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