and one more thing

we have an ultrasound friday. i'll be 10w6d, so it would take an incredibly skilled technician (or freakishly devleoped genitals) for us to know the gender this time. this ultrasound is for the nuchal fold translucency test. but have no fear - we'll have another ultrasound by 15 or 16 weeks at the latest (to see if the umbilical cord has three blood vessels instead of two, like hans) and we should know something more then.

i'm starting to really crave knowing whether it's a boy or a girl. i want to start calling it by name. now that i think about it, that's when hans started to feel real to me. i think maybe i don't feel so connected to the tadpole now because i'm comparing it to how i felt with hans at 7 months. it's easy to forget, now, when i dwell in hans-ed-ness, that i didn't always feel about him like i feel now.

maybe there's hope for our mother-child relationship yet.