not in a family way
my mom called last night, and when i answered, she asked me what was wrong. i said, "what?" she said i sounded terrible. what can i say to that? when i didn't answer right away, she asked me if i was having a bad day. i laughed. "i'm having a bad year," i said.
later in the conversation, she asked how i was dealing with the miscarriage and how we were feeling about the future. all i could do was stutter. there's nothing i can explain to her about how i feel about the miscarriage that won't worry her more, and we don't really want to tell much of anyone if and when we do try to get pregnant - we feel enough pressure as it is without dealing with my mom's constant questions about the status of my uterus.
finally, i started telling her how i was recovering physically - at least it was something - and about the physiological ramifications of another pregnancy - something about having to be careful in the future to catch my eggs on the fresh side of my cycle and not at the end, when they're decaying into oblivion. hopefully, those thoughts will keep her occupied for a while. i don't know what else to do.
family is a weird, complicated thing. for example, i love my sister, and my nephew, but i'd like a break from them, and being reminded of what hans would be like now. my mother is wonderful, but i just don't want to talk to her about anything loss-related - although i have no problem talking about it with friends and doctors. my dad, with whom i barely have a relationship, called me last week; i let it go to voice mail and haven't listened to the message. justin's family, whom i adore (truly - i hit the jackpot of in-laws), is driving me nuts with their phone calls. i know they all care, but i want them to leave me alone.
i guess the age-old question is, would i choose to be close to any of these people, if they weren't already related to me? and the sad answer is, no. i could see being friendly with most of them, but if i didn't have an obligatory history, there would be little to bind us together.
what i want around me right now is the family i've chosen for myself. i want to rest in the cocoon of my chosen friends, both online and offline - the people who get it. i don't have any energy to coddle people who care but don't get it. i need all my energy for me, and for justin, and for the next occupant of my uterus. the rest of my family are on their own for a while.
later in the conversation, she asked how i was dealing with the miscarriage and how we were feeling about the future. all i could do was stutter. there's nothing i can explain to her about how i feel about the miscarriage that won't worry her more, and we don't really want to tell much of anyone if and when we do try to get pregnant - we feel enough pressure as it is without dealing with my mom's constant questions about the status of my uterus.
finally, i started telling her how i was recovering physically - at least it was something - and about the physiological ramifications of another pregnancy - something about having to be careful in the future to catch my eggs on the fresh side of my cycle and not at the end, when they're decaying into oblivion. hopefully, those thoughts will keep her occupied for a while. i don't know what else to do.
family is a weird, complicated thing. for example, i love my sister, and my nephew, but i'd like a break from them, and being reminded of what hans would be like now. my mother is wonderful, but i just don't want to talk to her about anything loss-related - although i have no problem talking about it with friends and doctors. my dad, with whom i barely have a relationship, called me last week; i let it go to voice mail and haven't listened to the message. justin's family, whom i adore (truly - i hit the jackpot of in-laws), is driving me nuts with their phone calls. i know they all care, but i want them to leave me alone.
i guess the age-old question is, would i choose to be close to any of these people, if they weren't already related to me? and the sad answer is, no. i could see being friendly with most of them, but if i didn't have an obligatory history, there would be little to bind us together.
what i want around me right now is the family i've chosen for myself. i want to rest in the cocoon of my chosen friends, both online and offline - the people who get it. i don't have any energy to coddle people who care but don't get it. i need all my energy for me, and for justin, and for the next occupant of my uterus. the rest of my family are on their own for a while.
posted by laura at 1:39 PM
7 Comments:
I've learned from my own depression states that you need to do whatever works for you in terms of interaction with family. they will not understand; they will worry about you, and (hopefully) you will come out of it at some point and they will understand that it was something you had to get through on your own terms. But it's not easy when you're in the thick of it, I know. I love my mom, but when I was horribly down I *didn't* want to talk to her, not even for a few minutes, and it added insult to injury that she didn't understand it. Now that I'm a little further away from that state of mind (tho not as far as I would like to be) I can see why she was worried about me. It's all relative I think.
Big (((hugs))) for the journey ahead.
Ugh... Family and friends are so hard to deal with sometimes. My "ok" list of people and level of involvement I want from them changes pretty frequently. I'm working on an email to send my mom to let her know that I don't want to make a big deal out of my birthday coming up (she is very into b-days) and that i don't want to do thanksgiving. I haven't decided about christmas yet. And i don't want her to talk to me about why i don't want to do these holidays. Its going to be hard for her to hear.
I just read through your weekend adventures. I got mildly drunk this weekend for the first time in over a year and now i'm trying to figure out which of my friends will get drunk with me... soon. My husband isn't a big drinker and recently said something about "i just dont' get the point of drinking to get drunk"... I'm glad Justin is more supportive... :)
I have family issues that I don't blog about because I know my mom occasionally reads. Let me just say that I understand.
I totally agree. I wish people didn't know my business and when they do that they wouldn't bring it up.
It's hard to hold up other people when you can hardly stand up yourself. Do what you need to do, ok?
Pregnancy loss is an excellent way for our mothers to Have Their Own Drama. Since they may not have experienced themselves, they vicariously get to enjoy it through us - who would not exist HAD they gone through it. My mom, for example, has used my miscarriages as an excuse to cry at the drop of a hat, get attention in public, start conversations with total strangers, lament her hysterectomy (no rent-a-womb available), spend hours on the computer (hmmm... never mind) and one-up her friends in the sorrow sweepstakes.
After her own father's death and my two losses this year, I don't want to know how she's going to top herself in '06.
My mother is one of those types who burries her head in the sand when things aren't going right for the ones she loves. She has been virtually non-existent through both of my losses. I just choose to leave her out of it. My family IS my friends, both in blog-land and in "real life". (((hugs)))
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