strange days, indeed
the wife of the arkansas politician with 15 kids just gave birth to the 16th. they named the baby johannah - honestly, couldn't they have picked something else? i mean, they were willing to name one of the other members of their j-initialed brood "jinger" - once you've gone into that territory, why go back to something with old world roots and rub it in my face?
oh, and according to this story, mrs jim bob duggar (no, i'm not making up that name) is thinking about having another baby.
*****
yesterday, i wore my black, wool felt, double-breasted blazer. i adore it. it may be my favorite jacket ever. but i hadn't worn it in a while. the last time i wore it was when i went in for the non-stress test at which i learned hans was dead. technically, that was the next-to-last time; i was immediately admitted to the hospital, so i wore it home the next day, too, after the delivery. it was a little weird, wearing it - it made me so sad, and yet it's an inherently comforting piece of clothing, too.
another dissonant experience yesterday: in the afternoon, over the phone, justin and i had such a bad conversation. you'd think we would have learned by now to not get into serious stuff while we're both at work, but you'd be wrong. then at 10:00, i picked up justin from the train and offered an olive branch by asking to buy him a drink. we went to our neighborhood wine bar, and had the loveliest malbec and a fabulous cheese and fruit plate complete with hot-out-of-the-oven baguette, and i told him that my heart's desire was to start trying after i have a period, and - god bless him - he was willing to talk about the logistics of such a plan, including how that would affect my job and insurance prospects (i'd have to stay in my much-despised job at least through my next maternity leave, if i actually got that far). we laughed and ate a very stinky stilton and talked to the bartenders about stouts and world music, and it was paradise - the only time all day i felt really good. and then we got home and things soured. i went to sleep miserable, and i think justin did, too. this morning we affirmed that we still love each other and are in this whole thing together, but sometimes our differences seem insurmountable.
i think the reason why amusement parks give such short roller coaster rides is that the roller coaster experience is only fun for about 60 seconds; after that, it gets exhausting, and everyone starts puking, and generally losing satisfaction with the experience. that's how i feel right now.
oh, and according to this story, mrs jim bob duggar (no, i'm not making up that name) is thinking about having another baby.
*****
yesterday, i wore my black, wool felt, double-breasted blazer. i adore it. it may be my favorite jacket ever. but i hadn't worn it in a while. the last time i wore it was when i went in for the non-stress test at which i learned hans was dead. technically, that was the next-to-last time; i was immediately admitted to the hospital, so i wore it home the next day, too, after the delivery. it was a little weird, wearing it - it made me so sad, and yet it's an inherently comforting piece of clothing, too.
another dissonant experience yesterday: in the afternoon, over the phone, justin and i had such a bad conversation. you'd think we would have learned by now to not get into serious stuff while we're both at work, but you'd be wrong. then at 10:00, i picked up justin from the train and offered an olive branch by asking to buy him a drink. we went to our neighborhood wine bar, and had the loveliest malbec and a fabulous cheese and fruit plate complete with hot-out-of-the-oven baguette, and i told him that my heart's desire was to start trying after i have a period, and - god bless him - he was willing to talk about the logistics of such a plan, including how that would affect my job and insurance prospects (i'd have to stay in my much-despised job at least through my next maternity leave, if i actually got that far). we laughed and ate a very stinky stilton and talked to the bartenders about stouts and world music, and it was paradise - the only time all day i felt really good. and then we got home and things soured. i went to sleep miserable, and i think justin did, too. this morning we affirmed that we still love each other and are in this whole thing together, but sometimes our differences seem insurmountable.
i think the reason why amusement parks give such short roller coaster rides is that the roller coaster experience is only fun for about 60 seconds; after that, it gets exhausting, and everyone starts puking, and generally losing satisfaction with the experience. that's how i feel right now.
posted by laura at 11:32 AM
13 Comments:
I feel ya. My birthday is Saturday. My present is that Jim is going to his Mother's house in California. I needed a break.
I think fertility problems take a major toll on a couple. You guys sound like you're really trying to keep things together and stay supportive of each other. That's wonderful.
You guys are fantastically strong. It's a rough time!
When did the days when our husbands were excited about the prospect of sex deteriorate into these days when they fear it? Fucking uteruses.
I can totally understand your drive to start trying right away, and I can understand, after reading of your constant vomiting and fecal incontinence, Justin's wanting to wait. I would hate to see you suffer through all of that misery again. That's the thing about pregnancy - you can't know what's going to happen and when.
It's wonderful you guys enjoy each other so much and are so much in love, but, despite the fact that NO ONE told me this prior to my accepting the diamond, marriage is hard sometimes. It so didn't look hard on Roseanne, which, because both Cory & I came from single parent homes, I decided to use as an example of a perfect marriage.
Sigh... you are correct the rollercoaster is only fun for a short while. Now can we all get off?
May you find middle ground for both of you to stand on. When we get like this it helps sometimes to remember we are on the same side even when it doesn't seem like it. *hugs*
Just remember that you both can only make decisions for yourselves...you can't decide what's best for the other person, no matter how much you'd like to.
:( Unfortunately, we have all probably shared similar days to this. I'm sorry that this is so hard, believe me surviving loss and making the marriage work through it every day can take it's toll. Just wanted to let you know that we're here for you. Turn that frown upside down...(just kidding).
It is extremely hard to maintain that level of stress without some cracks appearing.
I hope you can both be patient and kind with each other while you get back some of your strength ((hugs))
Other J names for the happy parents: Jindra and Jaromir!
oh, will you stop with the jaromir~
Laura -
You said it was refreshing to see a 'mail perspective' in my blog, but I now see that you have a good male perspective on your own! It's good to see the two of you both posting on yours. You're clearly a good team. Keep it up.
Mrs T rarely sees mine; I think she only read the first few entries when she returned from hospital.
Oops. "Male", not "Mail".
I'm sorry it's been rough, Laura. It seems like loss somehow simultaneously brings couples closer together and pushes them apart. It seems like you two have a strong partnership, though - you will get through this.
About trying again, I hope you can come to a decision that works for you both very soon.
You guys sound like you handle difficult situations with as much grace and patience as can be expected in a difficult situation -- better than G and I often do. I know it's got to be tough but you will find your way together, whatever that path may be.
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