it's got a good beat and i can dance to it
the new therapist: she sounds a chime three times at the start of the session, letting each chime resonate until it dies completely, to transition into the session, and does it once, for one to compose oneself, at the end. new to me. the first chime, i gritted my teeth and endured it. the second chime, i thought, i'm here for a reason; i need to make my best effort. the third chime, i started to cry. it sounds hokey, even now, to me, who benefitted from it. but it worked for me.
she reminded me of my mother, physically. i felt comfortable speaking candidly. she took down my history. all of it. she was pretty interested in my father. i have to confess, however little regard i have for him, he's charismatic - even without being in the room.
so far, she would like me to have some time off before i try to get pregnant again, but for a somewhat different reason than i've considered previously: she would like me to have some time for a project i can control. i'm still mulling that thought over. i'm not sure what that even means. i've been practicing at relinquishing control, not gaining it. if anyone reading has any further interpretation of this consideration, i'd appreciate hearing it. i may completely poop on it, but it would give me something to which to tether this concept.
she was also sympathetic to the fact that my risk for more pregnancy pickles wouldn't get any better or even stay the same if i did take time off, and also to the continual growth of my anxiety while i wait. she committed to try to help me get better equipped to deal with the anxiety if i want to see her again. that's a deal i'll take.
i'm going to make a mushroom and spinach broth now in which to float tiny cheese ravioli, and then justin and i have to sit down and make the definitive 2006 benefit decisions. the good news, at least, is that i learned today i have several change options which would not penalize a pre-2006 conception as a pre-existing condition. so, yea for that.
she reminded me of my mother, physically. i felt comfortable speaking candidly. she took down my history. all of it. she was pretty interested in my father. i have to confess, however little regard i have for him, he's charismatic - even without being in the room.
so far, she would like me to have some time off before i try to get pregnant again, but for a somewhat different reason than i've considered previously: she would like me to have some time for a project i can control. i'm still mulling that thought over. i'm not sure what that even means. i've been practicing at relinquishing control, not gaining it. if anyone reading has any further interpretation of this consideration, i'd appreciate hearing it. i may completely poop on it, but it would give me something to which to tether this concept.
she was also sympathetic to the fact that my risk for more pregnancy pickles wouldn't get any better or even stay the same if i did take time off, and also to the continual growth of my anxiety while i wait. she committed to try to help me get better equipped to deal with the anxiety if i want to see her again. that's a deal i'll take.
i'm going to make a mushroom and spinach broth now in which to float tiny cheese ravioli, and then justin and i have to sit down and make the definitive 2006 benefit decisions. the good news, at least, is that i learned today i have several change options which would not penalize a pre-2006 conception as a pre-existing condition. so, yea for that.
posted by laura at 8:25 PM
9 Comments:
Hooray! A complete emotional breakdown before words are spoken is always a good sign in therapy.
It sounds like you may have just found someone to help you (and Justinian) through this horrible time.
Will you pass on the tips for dealing with anxiety?
Benefits for a new pregnancy are a good sign. Enjoy your meager ravioli, and find you some good insurance.
'A project you can control'? How about a cake? Or a plant (remember the old potato-and-toothpicks experiment)? Why does a project have to take so long?
I think your blog is a good project.
my "meager" ravioli? my ravioli are small but plentiful, like that song about shakir's breasts.
uh, i meant, shakira's breasts.
i don't know who shakir is or if he has breasts.
damn, it's just not funny when you have to go back and correct yourself. i think i need new glasses.
The chimes, the chimes! I took a meditation and health course once and they used the chimes and they drove me nuts, but everyone has their ways of transitioning I guess. I'm just glad you found someone that may work out, regardless of weird metallic noises!
A project you can control? It's November, isn't that write-a-novel month? Laura you write scads, why not try and do the Novel Challenge?
My therapist talks about Kate's death as the most "uncontrolable" event I can experience. I had no say in what happened. She says that I have to let myself learn to feel like i have control over other things in my life... E.G. following my feelings on whether i really want to do something or not (instead of just going through the motions).
Sorry, i'm not explaining this as clearly as it started out in my head.
thanks, sarah - something to think about.
I think Shakira should get herself checked out if her breasts are that dense. She's half Lebanese, you know - all sorts of cystic problems run in the Arabic bloodlines.
I've been thinking about the whole control thing. I think I needed to learn what I could control and what I couldn't, and accept that that is just how things are. It has been hard, but giving up the facade of control has also been very liberating in some ways.
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