on procreation
last night when we got home, after we had both been awake nearly 18 hours, justin offered to (and i paraphrase) rock my world.
i am of course pro world-rocking. i also require eight hours of sleep. and it's difficult for one's world to get rocked when one yawns mid-rocking (i know this fact from experience).
and yet, i still considered his offer, because it immediately occurred to me that this offer might represent a well-timed spo initialization. and as soon as i realized that consideration was my motivation, i declined.
of course, i would like to see a spo get underway, but i still cling to the romance of our previous conceptions. it seemed a charmed start to a child's life to be conceived in a haze of parental love and magic...even if neither ending could be labeled "charmed."
but previous - ugh - unsuccessful outcomes don't seem to justify forced procreation. it seems a waste of a century of my foremothers fighting to liberate me from being a breeding machine so i could claim my own sexual pleasure for me to now engage in intercourse strictly for the purpose of...more breeding.
it also seems dishonest to me to accept such a proposition purely for procreative purposes (if you'll pardon the alliteration). i can't frame my acceptance under those circumstances in any way that does not result in me using him. justin is the love of my life and he deserves better. i suppose if we sat down and agreed to have sex for the purpose of procreation at prescribed times, regardless of whether either or neither of us felt anything in the neighborhood of desire, it would technically be okay. but let's be honest: even when two adults make such an agreement, where sex is involved, someone is always desirous; such an agreement would be a recipe for resentment.
i acknowledge that, even with my losses, and even at my age, there is a certain arrogant luxury in this attitude. we have had an almost embarrassingly easy time conceiving thus far. and i am so lucky in that i am married to the person i love and want more than anyone in the world, and who loves me back, and who is a world-class feminist who recoils at the thought of me agreeing to sex i don't absolutely want.
then there's also the underlying fact that i am not good at trying things for trying's sake. if i do not have at least a fighting chance to win, i do not want to play your game. and so i find myself, like a petulant pre-schooler, stomping my foot and turning my face away and refusing to go on record as trying to get pregnant. if i actually try to get pregnant, and do not, i will be devastated. but if it "just happens" along the way of love and lust and magic, then i get to feel lucky, charmed, exceptional. and i get to evade the anxiety of will-we-or-won't-we. it's too bad that if and when i do get pregnant, there's no way around the will-it-or-won't-it anxiety.
i suspect that ultimately i don't control my destiny as much as i'd like to think. all of my carefully considered strategies may only cause my path to swerve off course periodically, but ultimately, biology is captaining this ship. every member of a species feels the urge to keep the species going, and i am no exception. i may hem and haw about higher meaning, but eventually biology will win out. the urge will take over. sex will be had with little to no thought given to it at all.
the thing is, thinking about how amazing justin is inspires some interest in offering to rock his world. that thought process doesn't seem like biology, but what do i know? maybe i'm just lucky that when biology does its thing, i get to be with the one i love AND love the one i'm with.*
* with apologies to crosby stills nash & young. although maybe i shouldn't be apologizing to them for borrowing their lyrics but to you for inflicting them on you. or maybe they should be apologizing to us for writing them. whichever. choose your apology.
i am of course pro world-rocking. i also require eight hours of sleep. and it's difficult for one's world to get rocked when one yawns mid-rocking (i know this fact from experience).
and yet, i still considered his offer, because it immediately occurred to me that this offer might represent a well-timed spo initialization. and as soon as i realized that consideration was my motivation, i declined.
of course, i would like to see a spo get underway, but i still cling to the romance of our previous conceptions. it seemed a charmed start to a child's life to be conceived in a haze of parental love and magic...even if neither ending could be labeled "charmed."
but previous - ugh - unsuccessful outcomes don't seem to justify forced procreation. it seems a waste of a century of my foremothers fighting to liberate me from being a breeding machine so i could claim my own sexual pleasure for me to now engage in intercourse strictly for the purpose of...more breeding.
it also seems dishonest to me to accept such a proposition purely for procreative purposes (if you'll pardon the alliteration). i can't frame my acceptance under those circumstances in any way that does not result in me using him. justin is the love of my life and he deserves better. i suppose if we sat down and agreed to have sex for the purpose of procreation at prescribed times, regardless of whether either or neither of us felt anything in the neighborhood of desire, it would technically be okay. but let's be honest: even when two adults make such an agreement, where sex is involved, someone is always desirous; such an agreement would be a recipe for resentment.
i acknowledge that, even with my losses, and even at my age, there is a certain arrogant luxury in this attitude. we have had an almost embarrassingly easy time conceiving thus far. and i am so lucky in that i am married to the person i love and want more than anyone in the world, and who loves me back, and who is a world-class feminist who recoils at the thought of me agreeing to sex i don't absolutely want.
then there's also the underlying fact that i am not good at trying things for trying's sake. if i do not have at least a fighting chance to win, i do not want to play your game. and so i find myself, like a petulant pre-schooler, stomping my foot and turning my face away and refusing to go on record as trying to get pregnant. if i actually try to get pregnant, and do not, i will be devastated. but if it "just happens" along the way of love and lust and magic, then i get to feel lucky, charmed, exceptional. and i get to evade the anxiety of will-we-or-won't-we. it's too bad that if and when i do get pregnant, there's no way around the will-it-or-won't-it anxiety.
i suspect that ultimately i don't control my destiny as much as i'd like to think. all of my carefully considered strategies may only cause my path to swerve off course periodically, but ultimately, biology is captaining this ship. every member of a species feels the urge to keep the species going, and i am no exception. i may hem and haw about higher meaning, but eventually biology will win out. the urge will take over. sex will be had with little to no thought given to it at all.
the thing is, thinking about how amazing justin is inspires some interest in offering to rock his world. that thought process doesn't seem like biology, but what do i know? maybe i'm just lucky that when biology does its thing, i get to be with the one i love AND love the one i'm with.*
* with apologies to crosby stills nash & young. although maybe i shouldn't be apologizing to them for borrowing their lyrics but to you for inflicting them on you. or maybe they should be apologizing to us for writing them. whichever. choose your apology.
posted by laura at 6:47 PM
6 Comments:
"(and i paraphrase)"
Yes, you certainly paraphrase. Could any of you that know me imagine me saying something that cheesy?
Well, on second thought, forget that I asked!
I hope all your dreams come true. You deserve some magic.
Yeah, there's nothing worse than glancing at the clock mid-world-rocking and wondering how beat you're going to be in the morning...
Not insightful at all, but don't you feel yourself more excited about world rocking around that time? I suspect nothing is going too take away some of your angst except the double line and you ultimate spo. Romance just...fits in.
ah, but the catch is - to be excited about world-rocking because of a potential double line (or cross or whatever) is to admit that we're trying, which opens up that whole box of anxiety, which i'm trying to avoid! a nasty catch-22.
Yeah, we've been through a few months of making love mainly to get pregnant, and it sure ain't as much fun as doing it simply because you want to. I must try some seducing this month!
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