what do you get when you fall in love?
after i blogged yesterday afternoon, i felt myself getting too worked up to work, so i got out of there as fast as i could. it was all i could do to get out of the building without crying. the tears were already flowing in the disney-sized parking lot, before i could get in the car.
i was so despondent that it occurred to me, as i approached the giant interchange where my interstate forms an axis with another, that i could just let go of the wheel and my car would almost certainly drop off the side on to the other interstate below me. then i saw the line of tiny headlights backed up in rush hour traffic, and i knew it wouldn't just be me i'd be taking out, so i gripped the steering wheel harder.
remind me to never drop acid, because flashbacks are hell. i don't know how i survived the first few months after hans died without taking my life - i had almost constant flashbacks then. now, they leave me in peace mostly, until something stupid (like a toddler food e-mail ad) reminds me of that day, the 16th of february, when i was told my beloved son, my firstborn, my hans was dead.
why are my therapist and i not talking about this stuff? at thursday's appointment, we talked almost entirely about my marriage. after we had already run over, she told me she was surprised to see things going in this direction; from our initial conversation, she thought our sessions were going to be about pregnancy and loss. hey - i did, too. i only have three sessions left with her before the end of the year and the change of my insurance; at my next appointment, after the third chime, i need to get down to business.
i made it home last night (obviously) and decided i didn't want to go out to a movie, so i rented two ("in good company" and "me and you and everyone we know") and ordered in spaghetti with mushrooms, but then my mom called and we got involved in very elaborate travel plans for thanksgiving, and then justin came home and we just went to bed. i woke up at the usual time, but justin is still sleeping off all the beer he drank at the cavs' game, so i'm going to let him be and watch "in good company" (which justin apparently has already seen, at work). when he wakes up, i'd like to walk our recyclables up to the west side market and pick up what we need for our private thanksgiving tonight. i could stand to feel some sun on my face.
i was so despondent that it occurred to me, as i approached the giant interchange where my interstate forms an axis with another, that i could just let go of the wheel and my car would almost certainly drop off the side on to the other interstate below me. then i saw the line of tiny headlights backed up in rush hour traffic, and i knew it wouldn't just be me i'd be taking out, so i gripped the steering wheel harder.
remind me to never drop acid, because flashbacks are hell. i don't know how i survived the first few months after hans died without taking my life - i had almost constant flashbacks then. now, they leave me in peace mostly, until something stupid (like a toddler food e-mail ad) reminds me of that day, the 16th of february, when i was told my beloved son, my firstborn, my hans was dead.
why are my therapist and i not talking about this stuff? at thursday's appointment, we talked almost entirely about my marriage. after we had already run over, she told me she was surprised to see things going in this direction; from our initial conversation, she thought our sessions were going to be about pregnancy and loss. hey - i did, too. i only have three sessions left with her before the end of the year and the change of my insurance; at my next appointment, after the third chime, i need to get down to business.
i made it home last night (obviously) and decided i didn't want to go out to a movie, so i rented two ("in good company" and "me and you and everyone we know") and ordered in spaghetti with mushrooms, but then my mom called and we got involved in very elaborate travel plans for thanksgiving, and then justin came home and we just went to bed. i woke up at the usual time, but justin is still sleeping off all the beer he drank at the cavs' game, so i'm going to let him be and watch "in good company" (which justin apparently has already seen, at work). when he wakes up, i'd like to walk our recyclables up to the west side market and pick up what we need for our private thanksgiving tonight. i could stand to feel some sun on my face.
posted by laura at 9:55 AM
3 Comments:
Hugs and wishes for good therapy, coming your way.
Oh, Laura. I hope that you can get this worked out. I want you to find peace and I know that it's probably so much harder than I could ever imagine. But you're a good person, you deserve to be happier than this, and I think that with time, you will work through everything.
I wish I could be "there" for you. You deserve the best.
When you fall in love, you get your skin ripped off and your insides exposed to the world to get hurt. But then you also feel love more than you would have without that exposure.
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