oh, what a relief it is!

i'm trying so hard to hold on to that relieved feeling as long as i can. i'm going to squeeze today's beta result for all it's worth!

i got up in the dark and we went to the hospital in the dark. i guess today (or yesterday?) is technically the shortest, and therefore darkest, day of the year, but man, was it dark this morning. i was dark inside and out.

we got to the lab a few minutes after 7:30, and i had forgotten to wear a short-sleeved shirt and jacket instead of the long-sleeved, fitted sweater i picked (in the dark) this morning, so i had to take it halfway off to have my blood drawn, but bless her heart - the phlebotomist was the best i've ever had. the pinch was the teeny tiniest pinch i've ever had. maybe that was the first good sign.

by 8:00, we were in the ob's waiting area, where i was asked to fill out a new patient history. i protested that my entire reproductive history was already in their computer, but the receptionist apologetically insisted that everyone had to fill one out for every pregnancy. let me share what a joy it was to recount both "number of deliveries" and "number of living children", as well as the weight of any children i had delivered and the amount of time i labored with them. the waiting room seemed to be filled with swelling harp music and soft-focus lighting as i relived the horrors of my losses.

fuckers.

when i got called back for my nurse education session, i got a new nurse, which should have been the second good sign, had i been paying attention. my ob's regular nurse is lovely and kind but has her lovely head up her kind ass. when the nurse asked how i was doing today, i told her i was frustrated, which drew her attention away from the computer screen. i explained that i was frustrated to be sitting in this session, again, where nothing new would be imparted to me, while i didn't know if this pregnancy was going anywhere. to her credit, she was totally cool. she asked me the minimum questions she had to ask and took us back to the exam room to wait for my ob.

my ob's secretary had already warned me that he would be fitting me in between interviews with prospective residents (he's the head of the residency program there) and we may have to wait, so i passed the time by going repeatedly to the restroom, during which i walked past a certain, hot doctor in a longish lab coat and knee boots, which i described for justin when i returned (he's got a thing for just the knee showing). the morning dragged on, and i was entertaining justin with doppler karaoke when my ob rushed in.

the lab results weren't back yet, but we reviewed everything else, and i was so lucky as to get a cervical exam, which on the one hand was improved by the fact that someone replaced the old ceiling art (those yucky black and white pictures of children in vintage clothing doing romantic adult things like holding hands or giving each other roses and kittens in baskets) with new ceiling art (nature scenes clumsily ripped from magazines), but on the other hand was diminished by the fact that he never cleans up after himself and is not too neat around my hoo-ha in the first place. i somehow always wind up with ky on my thighs; i don't recall that ever being an issue with any of the long line of gynecologists i've had in my time.

after we were done, and then waited while a nurse called the lab and tried to hurry them along, my ob promised to call me the second he got the results, and we decided we'd go to breakfast and wait for his call, because there was no way i could go back to work and sit and wait and freak out and then get the call at work and freak out some more. just as we walked out into the hall, dr knees appeared, and twirled around, and justin got to see not just a peek of her but a 360. unlike me, he was astute enough to recognize a good omen when he saw one.

and then as we waited at the elevators, my ob came running around the corner yelling, "we got the results!" and then he gave us the good news: 19,000. what a beautiful number. by my calculations, i wanted at least a 12,000; my ob was hoping for anything over 10,000. woo-hoo! little z is already exceeding expectations!

he gave me the order for my ultrasound; he wrote it for this week, in case i needed while he was gone on vacation, but asked me to wait until next week, when we'll be much more likely to get a solid picture and a heartrate. and then he said a funny thing. he said we didn't want another early ultrasound like last time, when the heartbeat was so slow. i didn't know that. no one ever told me the tadpole's heartbeat got off to a sluggish start. at my 5w2d ultrasound, they had trouble distinguishing my heartbeat from the tadpole's, which should have been a big doh! for me. the rates shouldn't have been so similar. i don't know how that got past me, as hyper-vigilant as i am about researching everything. it doesn't really have anything to do with this pregnancy; it just made me go, huh.

the ultrasound lab is closed monday and booked solid all week, but my ob said i was threatening miscarriage to force them to get me in, so i'm triple-booked in a week from friday. i'm looking forward to my first look at little z. and i'm the most relaxed i've been in months. also a little in shock - i was so sure today would be spent arranging a d&c. i am thrilled to be booking an ultrasound instead.