how did i get here?
i'm a little startled, on the eve of the second trimester, to find myself in this place. thirty-six freaking years old. pregnant. not bleeding. a fetus measuring right on target. the first trimester behind me (give or take five hours). not too anxious, all things considered, albeit medicated. about to go to asia for the first time, at the same time i'm commemorating my first child's first birthday. finding vomiting so strenuously that i have red freckles under my eyes from the blood vessels i busted to be humorous.
this life is not the one i had planned.
i've been a little removed from the blog the last week as i've re-read our archives from the beginning, trying to figure out how it all happened. i gave up on "why" a long time ago, i suppose. it hurts to read about the pain i've felt in the last year, but ultimately encouraging to have come through so much of it and still be brave enough to have another child.
for all my confidence these days, there are still moments of terror and insecurity. but the peace outweighs the fear, which is more than i hoped for at this point - 11 1/2 months after losing hans, and 11 months (yesterday!) from beginning to blog.
i wish i had begun to blog sooner. i always meant to, especially when i got pregnant with hans. i wish now i had a record of my process of that pregnancy and of my contact with him. if i had, though, i might have found myself isolated at this point; i imagine if i had been a first pregnancy blogger, i would have formed a community of similar moms only to be left alone and bewildered when my outcome wasn't like theirs. starting to blog when we did led me to my fellow bloggers-in-loss, who have come to mean the world to me.
lately, i've been thinking about this blog as something for z to read one day. i don't see myself giving it to him or her; i think such a "gift" would be more about the giver than the giftee, a way to lay some heavy shit on a kid (an adult one, but still). rather, i'd like z to stumble across this blog some day, in some format, maybe after i die. (hi, z! love you!) i'd like for z to uncover what his or her mother was like as a person, and not just the side she revealed as a parent. and so sometimes i write about things that are not really that interesting to an external audience, a little "what i did today"-ish, because i think it will matter to z, or z's children, or their children, in a micro-anthropological way. at least, i hope so.
this life is not the one i had planned.
i've been a little removed from the blog the last week as i've re-read our archives from the beginning, trying to figure out how it all happened. i gave up on "why" a long time ago, i suppose. it hurts to read about the pain i've felt in the last year, but ultimately encouraging to have come through so much of it and still be brave enough to have another child.
for all my confidence these days, there are still moments of terror and insecurity. but the peace outweighs the fear, which is more than i hoped for at this point - 11 1/2 months after losing hans, and 11 months (yesterday!) from beginning to blog.
i wish i had begun to blog sooner. i always meant to, especially when i got pregnant with hans. i wish now i had a record of my process of that pregnancy and of my contact with him. if i had, though, i might have found myself isolated at this point; i imagine if i had been a first pregnancy blogger, i would have formed a community of similar moms only to be left alone and bewildered when my outcome wasn't like theirs. starting to blog when we did led me to my fellow bloggers-in-loss, who have come to mean the world to me.
lately, i've been thinking about this blog as something for z to read one day. i don't see myself giving it to him or her; i think such a "gift" would be more about the giver than the giftee, a way to lay some heavy shit on a kid (an adult one, but still). rather, i'd like z to stumble across this blog some day, in some format, maybe after i die. (hi, z! love you!) i'd like for z to uncover what his or her mother was like as a person, and not just the side she revealed as a parent. and so sometimes i write about things that are not really that interesting to an external audience, a little "what i did today"-ish, because i think it will matter to z, or z's children, or their children, in a micro-anthropological way. at least, i hope so.
posted by laura at 6:57 PM
3 Comments:
I always wished my mom and my grandmothers had kept journals for me to read and peek in at their lives. But alas, they never did. I think Z will love it some day. I know it has helped me...and for that I say thank you.
"give or take five hours" - LOL!
Hooray for being close to crossing the 2nd Trimester line. So happy for you guys.
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