in the onion patch
little z is perking away! i had the two-week anxiety check-up today and it took a little bit to find the heartbeat, but when we did, it was lovely. i saw a different ob today because mine is at a conference, and he was considerably more gentle than my ob, which is fine except i have the padding of multiple pregnancies between the doppler and z, so skimming the surface is not going to get the job done. he was really a sweetie, though, so if i end up giving birth when my ob isn't available, i wouldn't mind having this guy.
i am not, however, auditioning doctors for subsequent pregnancies. i've come to realize that this is the end of the line for me. pass or fail, this is my last pregnancy. the mental/emotional strain on my health is too much, which is not to say that if i don't go through any more pregnancies i'll have stellar mental health the rest of my life - i'm realistic about it - but i don't need to add any known triggers to the equation. justin is also incredibly supportive, but the roller coaster of my mental state takes a toll on him, and on our relationship.
there's also the physical aspect. justin worries (because of the daily gag and wretch routine and maybe because of my back) that pregnancy is bad for my physical health. i think those things are purely temporary, but i just don't want to endure the physical trials of pregnancy any more. i've hit the stage where i can't get comfortable at night; i start out on my left side like a good little girl, but then my hip starts to get sore, so i flip to the right, until it starts to get sore and i flip back to my left, and so on all night. i am not 22, dammit, i am 36, and this is hard on my body. enough is enough.
we talked at great length last weekend about the prospects of another child after z. i had been holding out hope that with the right antidepressant this pregnancy could be much easier - easy enough that we would both be willing to jump in again. but i don't want the antidepressant, at least for now; i can't stomach the risks. and there is no pill that would make it easy enough for us, ever.
so we've started to talk about adoption again. we both wanted to adopt originally, although we had different ideas. justin wanted to adopt exclusively, back when we were dating, while i wanted to "have" one and adopt one. eventually, justin came around to my plan, but since hans died i've avoided the prospect of adoption. i wanted to make my own, dammit. (please withhold any lectures about adopted children being your own; i know all that, and you will only come off as self-righteous.) something inside me snapped, or maybe twisted, when hans died, and my thinking about it hasn't been rational, and i haven't cared whether it was rational or not. but this week adoption has started to seem much more doable again, and on the timetable justin originally envisioned (maybe in another five years, and an older child).
whether it works that way or not, i now know this - i will not intentionally be getting pregnant again, and it's lifted a burden from my shoulders that i didn't realize i was carrying. i can focus on z and not on how what happens in this pregnancy will affect another pregnancy. the freedom feels good.
i am not, however, auditioning doctors for subsequent pregnancies. i've come to realize that this is the end of the line for me. pass or fail, this is my last pregnancy. the mental/emotional strain on my health is too much, which is not to say that if i don't go through any more pregnancies i'll have stellar mental health the rest of my life - i'm realistic about it - but i don't need to add any known triggers to the equation. justin is also incredibly supportive, but the roller coaster of my mental state takes a toll on him, and on our relationship.
there's also the physical aspect. justin worries (because of the daily gag and wretch routine and maybe because of my back) that pregnancy is bad for my physical health. i think those things are purely temporary, but i just don't want to endure the physical trials of pregnancy any more. i've hit the stage where i can't get comfortable at night; i start out on my left side like a good little girl, but then my hip starts to get sore, so i flip to the right, until it starts to get sore and i flip back to my left, and so on all night. i am not 22, dammit, i am 36, and this is hard on my body. enough is enough.
we talked at great length last weekend about the prospects of another child after z. i had been holding out hope that with the right antidepressant this pregnancy could be much easier - easy enough that we would both be willing to jump in again. but i don't want the antidepressant, at least for now; i can't stomach the risks. and there is no pill that would make it easy enough for us, ever.
so we've started to talk about adoption again. we both wanted to adopt originally, although we had different ideas. justin wanted to adopt exclusively, back when we were dating, while i wanted to "have" one and adopt one. eventually, justin came around to my plan, but since hans died i've avoided the prospect of adoption. i wanted to make my own, dammit. (please withhold any lectures about adopted children being your own; i know all that, and you will only come off as self-righteous.) something inside me snapped, or maybe twisted, when hans died, and my thinking about it hasn't been rational, and i haven't cared whether it was rational or not. but this week adoption has started to seem much more doable again, and on the timetable justin originally envisioned (maybe in another five years, and an older child).
whether it works that way or not, i now know this - i will not intentionally be getting pregnant again, and it's lifted a burden from my shoulders that i didn't realize i was carrying. i can focus on z and not on how what happens in this pregnancy will affect another pregnancy. the freedom feels good.
posted by laura at 9:24 AM
5 Comments:
Love to hear about the great check-ups! It sounds like thinking about this as your last pregnancy is giving you some peace of mind, which is always a good thing. Your thoughts about adoption reminded me that I had a dream last night about a woman who just had three babies "sent" to her and since she couldn't cope with them all she was going to send two back. I just couldn't believe that she got to have 3 and I wasn't even "allowed" one, lol!
what a horrible policy for babies! for husbands, on the other hand, it might have some merit....
not that i would be talking about mine, of course.
So glad Z is doing well...I just love hearing good news!
You just take care of yourself - physically AND emotionally - whatever it takes.
"little z is perking away!"
yay, z, yay! may you bring your mama and daddy a lifetime of love and happiness!
Lauralu - what you said about us having the "longing" in common. That relaly touched my heart. Thank you for leaving that comment> I know we have so many different views, but I really look up to you. You are one amazing woman!
Rach
I know it can be hard to hear, and hard to believe sometimes, but I have a good feeling about z, and I just wanted to say that. That being said, I hear you about this being my last pregnancy. At least for a while. It makes me a nervous and physical wreck and I really can't stand it, to be honest. I don't get those people who "love every minute of it." They are insane.
I have found that I have been sleeping more comfortably lately. I have a long relaxing bath every night before bed, which may help. Also, my friend got me a Snoogle. Have you tried one? Or a combination of pillows? A pillow between your knees relieves the tension on your hips.
Have a great trip!
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