my list of unhappy things
okay, there's no list. the unhappiness just is. i tried to blog my way out of my funk today, but i'm full of shit. not that the things i listed aren't fan-fucking-tastic. but i am not.
i suspect the hormonal changes i'm experiencing as a result of pregnancy are triggering my pre-disposition for depression. in retrospect, i think what i'm feeling now is exactly what i felt with hans; it was just masked by the natural worry i had for him with the new problems that came up every month or so. at the end of that pregnancy, even though i was having weekly non-stress tests (with excellent results) and ultrasounds (which showed the kidney problem improving) i was deeply depressed. i thought at that point i was depressed because of having been pregnant for so long - everyone gets impatient at the end, right?
i realize now that there is a big difference between impatient and depressed. but hours after i delivered hans, i began taking serzone prophylactically (or so i thought), and i suppose it carried me over until my hormones were on an even keel again. but i'm not on an even keel now.
i feel like i've exhausted local talk therapy options. or maybe the thought of it just exhausts me right now. i don't feel like an anti-depressant is a great option for me right now, especially on top of the anti-anxiety meds (which i am in no position to give up).
the good thing is that pregnancy will not last forever (despite the fact that it seems that way after being pregnant for 16 of the last 22 months), and so hormonally-induced depression won't last forever, either. of course, another consideration is that, left unchecked, depression now doesn't make my prospects for avoiding post-partum depression any rosier.
i'm crawling back under the covers.
i suspect the hormonal changes i'm experiencing as a result of pregnancy are triggering my pre-disposition for depression. in retrospect, i think what i'm feeling now is exactly what i felt with hans; it was just masked by the natural worry i had for him with the new problems that came up every month or so. at the end of that pregnancy, even though i was having weekly non-stress tests (with excellent results) and ultrasounds (which showed the kidney problem improving) i was deeply depressed. i thought at that point i was depressed because of having been pregnant for so long - everyone gets impatient at the end, right?
i realize now that there is a big difference between impatient and depressed. but hours after i delivered hans, i began taking serzone prophylactically (or so i thought), and i suppose it carried me over until my hormones were on an even keel again. but i'm not on an even keel now.
i feel like i've exhausted local talk therapy options. or maybe the thought of it just exhausts me right now. i don't feel like an anti-depressant is a great option for me right now, especially on top of the anti-anxiety meds (which i am in no position to give up).
the good thing is that pregnancy will not last forever (despite the fact that it seems that way after being pregnant for 16 of the last 22 months), and so hormonally-induced depression won't last forever, either. of course, another consideration is that, left unchecked, depression now doesn't make my prospects for avoiding post-partum depression any rosier.
i'm crawling back under the covers.
posted by laura at 8:39 PM
1 Comments:
Oh honey. I know it's miserable, and it's hard to imagine right now, but the payoff is TREMENDOUS.
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