jiggety jig
after three missed flights and a 13-hour train trip, we are home again. details over on the travel blog.
over dinner friday night, we toasted hans, and we wanted to talk about him, but the thing is - we didn't have anything new to say. justin said at this point it's not hans himself he thinks about so much as what might have been (i'm paraphrasing and may have that not exactly right - justin can clarify). i realized that i didn't have anything left for hans's birthday because i had already spent a year dwelling on his memory. i have desperately wrung every bit of meaning out of everything i knew about him. i've analyzed and then overanalyzed every kick, every quiet moment, ever movement that corresponded to any event, like eating pineapple or listening to the futureheads. i've stared at his face, his hand- and footprints, his cap with his dried fluids on it, to know him as much as i can.
but he hasn't done anything new since last 17 february, other than get himself cremated and come to sit on our stereo shelves. he hasn't rolled over or taken a step or held our fingers or babbled at us. on the other hand, he hasn't developed any other birth defects or fallen behind developmentally (well, other than in the obvious way - insert dead baby joke here) or given us any further cause for worry. and it's kind of a relief. there was no new way left to look at his life or his death, which meant no cause for fresh pain.
i wanted to spend the day being numb, and in the end i kind of did, not because of alcohol but just because there was nothing left to think about. weird. not the way i expected his birthday to go.
we popped into a duane reade before dinner and bought a "1" candle and a disposable lighter, and before we went back to our hotel, we bought a slice of black forest cake at an all-night deli. we were too tired by the time we got back, and it was already the next day anyway, so we waited until we woke up and then we lit his candle, and blew it out for him, and we hugged, and then we ate his cake. that was it.
i had thought that i would write hans a letter for his birthday, but i didn't have anything new to say to him that i haven't said here, in the last year. and what would i do with such a letter? maybe i could address it to the north pole.
i still miss him. i miss the opportunity to know him better. i will always want him back.
hans deserved better than a first birthday in a box.
over dinner friday night, we toasted hans, and we wanted to talk about him, but the thing is - we didn't have anything new to say. justin said at this point it's not hans himself he thinks about so much as what might have been (i'm paraphrasing and may have that not exactly right - justin can clarify). i realized that i didn't have anything left for hans's birthday because i had already spent a year dwelling on his memory. i have desperately wrung every bit of meaning out of everything i knew about him. i've analyzed and then overanalyzed every kick, every quiet moment, ever movement that corresponded to any event, like eating pineapple or listening to the futureheads. i've stared at his face, his hand- and footprints, his cap with his dried fluids on it, to know him as much as i can.
but he hasn't done anything new since last 17 february, other than get himself cremated and come to sit on our stereo shelves. he hasn't rolled over or taken a step or held our fingers or babbled at us. on the other hand, he hasn't developed any other birth defects or fallen behind developmentally (well, other than in the obvious way - insert dead baby joke here) or given us any further cause for worry. and it's kind of a relief. there was no new way left to look at his life or his death, which meant no cause for fresh pain.
i wanted to spend the day being numb, and in the end i kind of did, not because of alcohol but just because there was nothing left to think about. weird. not the way i expected his birthday to go.
we popped into a duane reade before dinner and bought a "1" candle and a disposable lighter, and before we went back to our hotel, we bought a slice of black forest cake at an all-night deli. we were too tired by the time we got back, and it was already the next day anyway, so we waited until we woke up and then we lit his candle, and blew it out for him, and we hugged, and then we ate his cake. that was it.
i had thought that i would write hans a letter for his birthday, but i didn't have anything new to say to him that i haven't said here, in the last year. and what would i do with such a letter? maybe i could address it to the north pole.
i still miss him. i miss the opportunity to know him better. i will always want him back.
hans deserved better than a first birthday in a box.
posted by laura at 5:51 PM
11 Comments:
"we lit his candle, and blew it out for him, and we hugged, and then we ate his cake. that was it."
Well, we were both on the verge of tears, then the alarm clock went off. And the moment was over.
(((((((hugs)))))))))
thinking of you.
An interesting day. I am glad that it was peaceful, at least. You are in my thoughts.
(((hugs)))
You are so right, he did deserve better. Your whole family did. (((((((((hugs))))))))
I am so sorry that Hans was not there to smash his cake and give you reason to worry over him. I wish you peace and the very best for the new little one within you.
Christie (Charlie's mom 3-22-05 3-23-05)
You are so strong, and I am sorry that you had to have his cake without him there to enjoy it too.
I hope this year holds happier things.
I'm glad you and Justin were together for Hans' birthday even if it was different to what you thought it might be. (((Hugs)))
Do keep in mind that this will be the only birthday party Hans will have to himself before Z muscles in and tries to take all the attention. I'm glad the four of you got to have it in peace. Too much quiet, but peace.
You are right, he did deserve so much more. And so do the two of you.
I'm glad you celebrated - I know that isn't the right word, but English really fails us here, I guess 'commemorate' is probably the proper term but it seems like more than that.
yes, he did.
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