i'm so fucking pissed
below, you'll find a very disappointed, angry, blog, written from mind to blog. uncensored.
every month we get a "hope" newsletter - a grievance group set up by the do-gooder chaplins (in twede jackets and elbow patches no less) at the hospital. it's generally a shit sandwich, with cut and paste articles about little angels and folks telling us how to grieve the way that folks who've never had to grieve think that we who have, should. anyhow, the front page (the only page i read anymore) has a list of anniversaries/birthdays of anyone who's ever had a neo-natal loss. i read every single babies name - and i take a moment to imagine the absolute hell that the parents have gone through, it's the least i can do. these kids deserve to have their names in print, honoring their short lives. affording their parents a rare, proud moment. i know that i'm proud of hans. who wouldn't be?
several months ago, i noticed that the newsletters had been addressed to justin & laura (insert laura's last name). that's not my last name, nor was it johannes name. his name is mine. we share initials, just like i did with my father. it's something very special to me, and i was afraid that the chaplains (or whoever puts together the newsletter), would botch this, so we called to make sure that it was right. well, it's not everyday that i get to see my sons name in writing, or mentioned by anyone but me, so yeah, i was really looking forward to seeing this. Probably with unrealistic expectations.
infact, i've been so excited to see his name, that i've been checking the mailbox everyday in anticipation.
30 names on the list today. Johannes name was absent. Not mispelled. Not with the wrong last name. Fucking absent. Absent as he is from my physical life today. This sucks.
I am fucking furious.... fuck you hope group, fuck you hospital. i've gotten past the fact that i can't have my son with me at home, and until a few minutes ago, i'd gotten past the anger of it all - but i can't get past people like you (who's entire profession is in helping folks grieve, and making their loss somehow meaningful, or significant, or whatever your calling is) forgetting something as simple as my boys name in your memorial newsletter.
i'll get over being pissed off - but ultimately, i'm heart broken.
every month we get a "hope" newsletter - a grievance group set up by the do-gooder chaplins (in twede jackets and elbow patches no less) at the hospital. it's generally a shit sandwich, with cut and paste articles about little angels and folks telling us how to grieve the way that folks who've never had to grieve think that we who have, should. anyhow, the front page (the only page i read anymore) has a list of anniversaries/birthdays of anyone who's ever had a neo-natal loss. i read every single babies name - and i take a moment to imagine the absolute hell that the parents have gone through, it's the least i can do. these kids deserve to have their names in print, honoring their short lives. affording their parents a rare, proud moment. i know that i'm proud of hans. who wouldn't be?
several months ago, i noticed that the newsletters had been addressed to justin & laura (insert laura's last name). that's not my last name, nor was it johannes name. his name is mine. we share initials, just like i did with my father. it's something very special to me, and i was afraid that the chaplains (or whoever puts together the newsletter), would botch this, so we called to make sure that it was right. well, it's not everyday that i get to see my sons name in writing, or mentioned by anyone but me, so yeah, i was really looking forward to seeing this. Probably with unrealistic expectations.
infact, i've been so excited to see his name, that i've been checking the mailbox everyday in anticipation.
30 names on the list today. Johannes name was absent. Not mispelled. Not with the wrong last name. Fucking absent. Absent as he is from my physical life today. This sucks.
I am fucking furious.... fuck you hope group, fuck you hospital. i've gotten past the fact that i can't have my son with me at home, and until a few minutes ago, i'd gotten past the anger of it all - but i can't get past people like you (who's entire profession is in helping folks grieve, and making their loss somehow meaningful, or significant, or whatever your calling is) forgetting something as simple as my boys name in your memorial newsletter.
i'll get over being pissed off - but ultimately, i'm heart broken.
posted by justinian at 11:25 PM
19 Comments:
I'm so sorry Johannes' name was not printed in that newsletter. That is one fucking stupid oversight, and I hope they rot in hell for it.
I remember the first memorial service our hospital provided for all the losses (of all ages) in the first 'quarter' of 2005. One lady's fiance had died, and they didn't have him on "the list". As a matter of fact, when she waited for the crowd to thin, so she could speak with whomever was in charge, they told her she wasn't an appropriate next-of-kin to request inclusion. I'll never forget how she was crying.
My own (former) church never acknowledged Nicholas in the bulletin nor at any Mass. The priest was 30 minutes late for the funeral (held at the funeral home, because babies don't receive a lavish ceremony).
It amazes me how these people who help us to honor our loved ones don't "get it", how the littlest things can mean SO MUCH when we have nothing.
I'm so sorry. What a bunch of assholes.
I'm so sorry... That sucks! One little thing that could have made such a difference in your day. Too bad the person who made the mistake will not know the impact of their error.
Total bullshit. I am so sorry, Laura.
that was justin, kathy, not me. it hurt my feelings, too, but justin expressed it more eloquently than i was capable of last night.
Oh, I'm so sorry. You should call them. I know it doesn't take it away, but they should know how much what might seem like a minor oversight to them can hurt.
i called both names listed on the newsletter, nervouskitty, leaving a message when i was really pissed off. i'm sure that they are manically searching for our file, or whatever it is that was mixed up, or lost.
the thing is .... i'm sure that everything is under laura's name, so they'll be searching for quite awhile until they figure that out.
good.
i do expect a call back - though i'm not entirely sure that it will happen. if they decide to run his name next month, the good news is that he'll get to hang with his pal Calvin (pengo's son).
Is the newsletter really written by people who haven't experienced a loss? I find that, in and of itself, to be...almost disgusting. And the fact that they can't get it right...well that is inexcusable.
Catherine, it's a cut and paste job from various sources. Many of which are standard grief resource that we've all probably looked at in our own search to work on our own stuff: think alot of poems dedicated to lost children - and a few bits from professionals.
It's compiled by the "Hope Group", which is spearheaded by pastoral service / hospital social workers. The only personal touch, and my reason to even bother opening the piece each month, is the memorial page where they dedicate the names of all the infants who've ever died in that hospital, or who's parents have gone to "Hope" as a grievance group. We've been through both, having lost our child in the hospital, and having had actively participated in the "Hope" group.
Frankly, this is strike 4 for the hospital with me - but Laura assures me that it should really only be strike two, and not at the hospital in general, but at the Social Work department, who've not only missed Hans name this month, but who've also failed to return calls that Laura's made to them concerning therapy....
I know how uplifting it can be to see your child's name in writing and it sucks that they seem to have screwed that up. I hope that you can get it sorted out eventually. If nothing else, maybe it will make them more conscientious in the future.
Ugh. You would think that people doing such important work would try and get it right, you'd think they'd understand how important stuff like that is in their mission to spread "hope". Farking arseholes.
I'm glad you phoned them.
i'd be pissed too.
((((((((hugs))))))))) The same sort of thing has happened to me, repeatedly. And then, if his name *is* actually included, it is spelled wrong. Especially the first year, it really hurts. It should just NOT be like this.
I'm sorry so so sad and sorry for this reminder and pain. None of it is fair and that is unforgivable for them to do.
*hug*
I'm so sorry. Their actions are inexcusable and if they haven't any experience in loss, they shouldn't be involved. Glad you called them.
I don't necessarily think that one need have been through a loss such as this to work in the field. That would be very much self-defeating to the profession, as there are already too few grief practicioners.... however, it does take a certain sort of person; perhaps one that doesn't miss something as simple, yet essential as this.
Update: I had a message at 1030 this morning from one of the chaplins. He wanted me to give him a call regarding the exclusion of our baby's name and had mentioned sending us out another newsletter with his name on it. I called back in a few minutes, and got his voicemail. I left a message, asking him to call me back. Four hours later, no call, so I've left a second message.
We'll see where we go from here.
i don't think having experienced a loss is a requirement, although it could help (which is why i'm studying to be a therapist so i can specialize in this area), but not everyone that's experienced a loss is cut out for this stuff, either. "our" chaplain had not lost a child, that i know of, but was wonderful in every way and "got it", but she left for another hospital in another city last fall. the head of the pastoral care department at the hospital (pastoral care is responsible for the group) may or may not be a well-meaning guy and may or may not have experienced a loss, but i've never been impressed with him, and his response now is even less impressive.
what is sadder to me, though, is that we are in a position to care about this newsletter at all.
What boneheads. I'm so sorry. You have every right to be upset.
Well, it's 720pm, it's safe to say that he has gone home for the day.
Scorecard: He fucked up, missed our kids name. I made a call to inquire about that. He left one message, clarifying that he didn't want to play phone tag all day, so suggested that I call him. I call, leave a message. No return call. 4 hours later. I call again, leaving a message. No return call. A few hours later, fearing close of business, I call again. No return call.
My only consulation is that he's potentially with cancer patients at the moment, not able to access a phone, so he hasn't been able to return the call. The same goes for his collegue who I also called and left a message with last night, who, might I add, didn't call at all today. Maybe he's driving a bus for an orphange, and wanting to set a fine example, isn't talking on a cell phone while driving.
Or, maybe they are both douche bags.
Is that a bad thing to call men?
I do recognize that this isn't really a pressing matter - there are much more serious, pressing, issues in the world, but for fucks sake folks - this is an easy fucking fix.
"I'm sorry, we flaked, we'll put it in next months newsletter, and next year we won't be so knuckleheaded. Again, Justin, I am so sorry."
Yeah, I expect too much.
(angry, without words)
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