there IS a difference
i am not depressed because of something, like grief for hans or how i feel about being pregnant. i am depressed because i am wired for it and that wire has been tripped by something physiological, which i imagine to be the hormonal changes of pregnancy. these are two different kinds of depression. i know the difference. i have experienced them both. my discernment of the two is keen.
depression because of an issue is debilitating but not deadening. there is something which can be addressed, thought out, worked through, acted upon. there is a logical solution, even if it is lengthy, and the existence of a solution and one's ability to see it is empowering.
depression because, hey, that's who you are, sister, doesn't offer the same hope. talk therapy is comforting, for the moment, because someone else is trying to help, but it doesn't make a dent in that depression. it is a disease.
if how i felt was as simple, as understandable, as what was going on in my life, then there would be no real reason for depression. z is doing swimmingly, and this pregnancy has been far easier than the first one - the nausea has been minimal (and may even be over - no vomiting in a week and a half!) and i'm experiencing much less discomfort than i was at this point with hans. i made my peace with my dad a long time ago, he's doing pretty well on treatment, and i'm even communicating some with him (i sent him a postcard from tokyo, "from z," to tell him about the pregnancy, which he loved). i'm finally going to school to do what i always really wanted, and the class i'm taking is both interesting and low-stress. best of all, i'm with the love of my life; yes, we fought the other night, but it was about things going on because of my depression, and that i cried so much was not about the fight but a release from the misery i felt. everything in my life is going gangbusters except me.
justin and i talked when he got home last night. i may have realized yesterday that i was full-fledged depressed, but justin has recognized it for a while. this is not a pothole in the road.
the cure for the depression i have is to not be pregnant, or meds. i'm wary of taking something in addition to the buspar, for the sake of z. but i'm also concerned about creating patterns of depression in z's mental roadmap. and i'm concerned about post-partum depression; hormones will continue to be in flux following delivery for a while. but the category b meds everyone takes (paxil, zoloft) are not good fits for me; i tried them both before i got to serzone, and the side effects were awful for me.
terminating this pregnancy when z is so healthy is not an option for me, either.
so i'm looking at depression for the forseeable future. i will talk to my doc about it, but it's doubtful i will go on additional meds. i don't see any other way out. unless i develop full-blown psychosis; then maybe we could talk meds. :)
last night there was a psa on tv with mike wallace of 60 minutes talking about depression, how there's no shame in it, how it's a disease and treatment is available. "except if you're pregnant," i said sourly to him.
depression because of an issue is debilitating but not deadening. there is something which can be addressed, thought out, worked through, acted upon. there is a logical solution, even if it is lengthy, and the existence of a solution and one's ability to see it is empowering.
depression because, hey, that's who you are, sister, doesn't offer the same hope. talk therapy is comforting, for the moment, because someone else is trying to help, but it doesn't make a dent in that depression. it is a disease.
if how i felt was as simple, as understandable, as what was going on in my life, then there would be no real reason for depression. z is doing swimmingly, and this pregnancy has been far easier than the first one - the nausea has been minimal (and may even be over - no vomiting in a week and a half!) and i'm experiencing much less discomfort than i was at this point with hans. i made my peace with my dad a long time ago, he's doing pretty well on treatment, and i'm even communicating some with him (i sent him a postcard from tokyo, "from z," to tell him about the pregnancy, which he loved). i'm finally going to school to do what i always really wanted, and the class i'm taking is both interesting and low-stress. best of all, i'm with the love of my life; yes, we fought the other night, but it was about things going on because of my depression, and that i cried so much was not about the fight but a release from the misery i felt. everything in my life is going gangbusters except me.
justin and i talked when he got home last night. i may have realized yesterday that i was full-fledged depressed, but justin has recognized it for a while. this is not a pothole in the road.
the cure for the depression i have is to not be pregnant, or meds. i'm wary of taking something in addition to the buspar, for the sake of z. but i'm also concerned about creating patterns of depression in z's mental roadmap. and i'm concerned about post-partum depression; hormones will continue to be in flux following delivery for a while. but the category b meds everyone takes (paxil, zoloft) are not good fits for me; i tried them both before i got to serzone, and the side effects were awful for me.
terminating this pregnancy when z is so healthy is not an option for me, either.
so i'm looking at depression for the forseeable future. i will talk to my doc about it, but it's doubtful i will go on additional meds. i don't see any other way out. unless i develop full-blown psychosis; then maybe we could talk meds. :)
last night there was a psa on tv with mike wallace of 60 minutes talking about depression, how there's no shame in it, how it's a disease and treatment is available. "except if you're pregnant," i said sourly to him.
posted by laura at 7:56 AM
9 Comments:
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could say something other than "hang in there."
Not much to say, just sending you (((((((hugs))))))))) I have a tendancy toward low-level depression myself so i know the difference that you speak of. But i think my depression, even at it's worst, is not as severe as yours seems to get. So i don't really have advice.
Oh, one piece of advice. PPD is a huge problem and i suggest that you have a protocol in place in case it *does* happen. My friend Suzanne has had it 3 times (PP psychosis once) and she had a protocol in place when she had her last baby, i can get more info from her if you want. The best source of information online is supposed to be www.postpartum.net, check it out (or have Justin check it out).
I identify with your situation, and I know how hard it is. In addition to the regular old chemical imbalance and life-event type of depression, you've had your hormones in an upheaval for so long now, I'm sure it feels like the rollercoaster is flying off the high loop.
I'll offer the helpful phrases of hang in there, and it will all be worth it in the end.
You can smite me for that later. ;)
I do hope you can find some sort of help in phramceuticals. Thinking of you.
Hey, I took Prozac, and my kid was fine - er - wait a minute - she didn't have a butt hole. **shrinks back into the shadows**
Hey, it kinda IS funny. It HAS to be.
I hear ya on the depression thing. It blows.
Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Taking hormones makes it worse. And J says, 'Do you want to not take them?' Theoretically I could, but then if something went wrong it would be all my fault for not doing what the doctor said to do. It's all fucked up.
No shame in it. We're all with you. Throw a party!
Just want to say "boooo!" and also "fuck you" to the depression for bothering you now. Like you need to be depressed right now. Hope there's an upswing soon.
Yuck. Thats all i can think of... I think I'm coming around to feeling like maybe my ADs were doing something and i'm at least a little depressed right now. I'm pretty terrified of how i'll feel when i'm pregnant. I hope you can find ways for others to help a little. Although i don't really know how. I don't seem to really want help from most of the people i know in real life.
Maybe we need a great lakes area bloggers get together. Then we can all sit around in our depressed states. Wouldn't that be lovely!
depressed states! ha ha!
I can relate. Contrary to what many might assume, I suffered from depression anxiety long before I became pregnant and long before Julian died. Like you, I guess I'm hardwired for it, originally hailing from one of those "depressed states." Julian's death has made my already somewhat shitty view of the world and the people in it that much worse. Zoloft works for me, but I worry for how long. I've taken it for years and would rather not have to take it, especially while pregnant, but I know what that makes me feel like, so I don't think it's an option, especially not now. Like you, the best thing in my world is having a wonderful husband who loves me, recognizes my symptoms before I do, and tries to love me more instead of make me feel badly about it. Hold onto each other for dear life!
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