jumper
gun - i don't like guns, don't have a gun, don't want to create a mess for someone else to clean up, don't want to leave such a horrible image with anyone i love.
rope - don't have one, have all low ceilings or rafters that are decorative and wouldn't hold my weight, another horrible image to lay on someone, plus i can barely tie my shoes - a noose would be impossible.
crashing into a tree/wall/off a cliff - would destroy the car, which would screw justin, since it's our only car.
slit wrists in tub - seems too slow, another mess to clean up and horrible image, plus too doomed movie star-ish.
self-mutilation - technically not any real end to pain, just a temporary re-channelling of it, after which i would think the pain would be back as sharp as ever, plus i'd have to always wear long sleeves, even when visiting my mom in florida in august.
jumping - quick, plus added benefit of the rush i get from dropping; would need to be from a bridge, as opposed to a building, as landing on concrete would be unwelcoming and create another image; much nicer to be enveloped by rushing water, and gradually carried out to sea, which rules out any of the bridges in my vicinity, which would only put me into the cuyahoga river (legendary for catching on fire, more than once) and at most carry me out to lake erie - not very poetic.
i've kept all this to myself for a while. i didn't want to burden anyone with it. but when i started figuring out the pros and cons of the methods available to me, it felt dishonest and irresponsible to keep it to myself. so yesterday morning i said to justin, i need to tell you something. and i told him. i know it hurt him to hear it.
i'm not going to do it, lack of readily-available ocean access aside. i love justin. i want to grow old with him, and i want to have more children with him. there are so many people i love and plenty who love me. there are so many things i want to do yet. apart from hans's death, i have an incredible life already - i'm not ready to end it. and i could not intentionally cause anyone else the pain i feel from hans's loss. but that pain is the problem. it's more than i can bear. i need some relief. kicking and screaming isn't enough. how in the world does anyone survive the death of a child? i know intellectually that people do - i know people who have - but i can't imagine how it's possible.
*****
i have been sitting on this post for a couple of days. on the one hand, while i write for my own benefit, i recognize that other people in various stages of grief read this blog from time to time, and so i wonder if it's irresponsible to discuss the pros and cons of various methods of suicide in their presence, when they could be vulnerable to suggestion. on the other hand, why the hell doesn't anyone discuss at least thoughts of suicide in any of the literature? i cannot be the only parent of a dead child who has ever allowed the thought to slink past her neurons or transmitters or whatever.
so i've decided, enough - i'm putting it out there. i write for my own therapeutic benefit, and it would be dishonest of me not to put it out there. plus, i haven't been able to write about anything else while i've been contemplating whether to post it or not. ultimately, i'm not suggesting that suicide is a good idea, which would be the immoral thing for me to do, and i really believe in my heart of hearts that i'm not planting any thoughts in any grieving parent's head that they haven't already had on their own. so here are my thoughts. they are only my thoughts and not a plan of action. let's stop pretending and start talking about it.
rope - don't have one, have all low ceilings or rafters that are decorative and wouldn't hold my weight, another horrible image to lay on someone, plus i can barely tie my shoes - a noose would be impossible.
crashing into a tree/wall/off a cliff - would destroy the car, which would screw justin, since it's our only car.
slit wrists in tub - seems too slow, another mess to clean up and horrible image, plus too doomed movie star-ish.
self-mutilation - technically not any real end to pain, just a temporary re-channelling of it, after which i would think the pain would be back as sharp as ever, plus i'd have to always wear long sleeves, even when visiting my mom in florida in august.
jumping - quick, plus added benefit of the rush i get from dropping; would need to be from a bridge, as opposed to a building, as landing on concrete would be unwelcoming and create another image; much nicer to be enveloped by rushing water, and gradually carried out to sea, which rules out any of the bridges in my vicinity, which would only put me into the cuyahoga river (legendary for catching on fire, more than once) and at most carry me out to lake erie - not very poetic.
i've kept all this to myself for a while. i didn't want to burden anyone with it. but when i started figuring out the pros and cons of the methods available to me, it felt dishonest and irresponsible to keep it to myself. so yesterday morning i said to justin, i need to tell you something. and i told him. i know it hurt him to hear it.
i'm not going to do it, lack of readily-available ocean access aside. i love justin. i want to grow old with him, and i want to have more children with him. there are so many people i love and plenty who love me. there are so many things i want to do yet. apart from hans's death, i have an incredible life already - i'm not ready to end it. and i could not intentionally cause anyone else the pain i feel from hans's loss. but that pain is the problem. it's more than i can bear. i need some relief. kicking and screaming isn't enough. how in the world does anyone survive the death of a child? i know intellectually that people do - i know people who have - but i can't imagine how it's possible.
*****
i have been sitting on this post for a couple of days. on the one hand, while i write for my own benefit, i recognize that other people in various stages of grief read this blog from time to time, and so i wonder if it's irresponsible to discuss the pros and cons of various methods of suicide in their presence, when they could be vulnerable to suggestion. on the other hand, why the hell doesn't anyone discuss at least thoughts of suicide in any of the literature? i cannot be the only parent of a dead child who has ever allowed the thought to slink past her neurons or transmitters or whatever.
so i've decided, enough - i'm putting it out there. i write for my own therapeutic benefit, and it would be dishonest of me not to put it out there. plus, i haven't been able to write about anything else while i've been contemplating whether to post it or not. ultimately, i'm not suggesting that suicide is a good idea, which would be the immoral thing for me to do, and i really believe in my heart of hearts that i'm not planting any thoughts in any grieving parent's head that they haven't already had on their own. so here are my thoughts. they are only my thoughts and not a plan of action. let's stop pretending and start talking about it.
posted by laura at 7:16 AM
4 Comments:
Laura, Thank you for having the courage to post that. Really. I really think you are right, you aren't posting anything that any of us that has lost a child has not already thought about. I mean how can you face LIFE when your child is GONE. It really doesn't make sence. I entertained the idea of suicide several times, but it always came back to the fact that my family was already hurt SO MUCH already because Caleb was gone. I couldn't stand the thought of being the one to make them hurt MORE. I WILL say that even though I don't think I ever would kill MYSELF, there were MANY times where I would have been FINE with not waking up the next day. At leas then I would be able to see my son again (hopefully).
I thought about exactly the same things, and wrote about them (wasn't blogging them) and talked about them. People were shocked, but that is how I was feeling. I really couldn't imagine life without my child, and I often hoped that I would go to sleep (a feat in itself some nights) and just not wake up. The other alternative (which still presents itself) was to just walk away from everyone and everything and disappear into the world. Laine and I would joke about 'walking the earth' and we've struck a deal that if our next child dies we will rent out the house and walk the earth for a year. I think we'll still eat pork, though (sorry Just!).
I'm picturing you and Laine decked out as Caine and his companion, walking from town to town; peaceful, curious, people in a violent land.
I love it, but really do hope that you are never again, walking the earth alone ... someday, maybe it will be three: the two of you, and your grasshopper (I'm not mixing up stories here, am I?)
Justin - Yes, you are beautifully mixing up Pulp Fiction and one of those kung foo kid movies! At least I think you are. Now there's a pitch for a screenplay.
Laura - you've left out drowning, and hypothermia. I think my choice would be freezing to death, somewhere so remote no one would ever find me and I'd contribute to the ecosystem quickly when the spring thaw came. Not that I am thinking of doing this, but I've heard that once hypothermia takes over it is a pretty comfortable way to die and I'd be mighty pleased if no one ever had to find me.
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